reaction

I heard an interview this morning on NPR with the author, Raquel Jaramillo who wrote a book called Wonder under the pen name, R.J. Palacio. I haven’t read the book and I probably won’t, to be honest because I felt the views she expressed in her interview were misguided. She described being outside at an ice cream shop with her kids when a child with “a facial deformity” came up to them. She said her kid(s) said something embarrassing or wrong and they reacted in a way she didn’t like so, she quickly gathered her things and “ran away.” She said she felt so badly about that she started writing her book that night. I suggest it’s just a long apology. I really can’t imagine a worse reaction to the situation she described and definitely feel an apology is in order but what I hope for more is that she re-educated her children on a better way to react to someone different than them.

She sums up the book as a feel-good story because, “Auggie comes into their lives and they all become better for it. And they all rise to the occasion and become protective of him. He becomes part of their community.” You don’t want to protect him, his feelings and his right to be before knowing if he’s an asshole or not? I think she’s missing the boat on this one. She’s missing the fact that someone with a facial deformity is a person. Before you know them, before you know their story, before you decide if they’re worthy of your protection, they deserve your protection. What I'm suggesting is that the premise that a person must prove him or herself before being worthy of your esteem, acceptance or approval is faulty.

She does describe Auggie as wanting to feel ordinary and that kids in middle school turn into Lord of Flies, true and true but she’s just missing the point. Auggie could be a huge jerk who steps on the backs of people’s flip flops and that wouldn’t make him any less worthy than Suzie freckles who helps little old ladies cross the street. And by the by, where are these street crossing old ladies? I’ve been trying to help one for decades!

When I was three or four, I had a huge growth removed from my shoulder that had been present from six months old. When I was in middle school, the same growth came back further up my neck and had to be removed again. I grew up playing with a girl with polio. I was in a group in high school who would go on fun outings with the special ed high schoolers. You know what I wanted in middle school? You know what most kids want all throughout school? To feel liked to feel like they can just be themselves.

In pre-school, the growth and surgery weren’t that big of a deal, it felt more like everyone treating me like I was special. My teacher even had the same blood type as me and so I would’ve gotten her blood if I needed it. BLOOD FROM A TEACHER, AW YEAH! Teacher blood is totes cool in pre-school. However, when it came back in middle school, things were a little different. Middle school is the pits, dude. The absolute pits, for me at least. So when the growth came back, it was on my neck and was growing at an alarming rate about tennis ball sized and I couldn’t hide it that well. I remember so vividly being English class, wearing a turtleneck, and a “popularish” boy who sat in front of me asked me to “see it.” Being an accommodating sort of gal who can’t say no, I lowered my turtleneck. He reacted rather spectacularly and said something like, “Oh god! Gross! Eeeew!” and started laughing hysterically. I still feel ashamed I let him do that to me to this day.

I am usually also able to laugh when people are squicked out by my different colored eyes but I won’t say that I don’t have their reactions in my brain. The vast majority of people think it’s cool but some days they’re outweighed by the assholes.

Being physically different does not imbue the owner with magical niceness or overwhelming goodness or anything else special either. Sure, it can foster character building and give someone a look into being different if they have to wear an eye patch for a month, but being physically different from the norm is just normal. If you’re different, that’s your normal. You’re not different, you’re you. You know how you have a mole on your elbow and that famous actor lady doesn’t? That’s just normal.

We have such a narrow view of normal it seems to me. I obviously do not speak for anyone but myself and with only my experiences. I do try to be accepting of other people. I try to be accepting of their views and see their side, I try to accept that everyone’s physical being is different. There are small, barely noticeable differences in everyone alive and there are large differences as well. I try to treat everyone as just a person. To not treat them as the thing that makes them different. And to highlight the difference and “make it ok” because this particular person is cool missed the point, missed it entirely. Some people with physical differences are cool and some are assholes, just like you would think of any population.

this post is not about love

Chuck claims this was an "accident" when he gave it to me, but I know. It's love. True love.

I read the PostSecret blog every week and last week there was a secret about somebody in their 50s feeling trapped and wanting to start over "alone." It made me sad that they felt that way but it also made me sad for the people in this person’s life. I can understand if it were a 50 year old who was in a bad relationship and wanted to get out, but surely there’s somebody in this person’s life that they want to take with them. And if they’re in a stale marriage with someone they used to love but they feel like they need a change, why can’t they start over together? Why can’t they take an adventure? Why can’t they at least give it a shot first? shake things up. together. 

I guess I’ve just seen a recent wave of 20 year marriages ending and they didn’t seem particularly “sick” or anything. They just sort of… Ended. *pfluh* I feel like there was just a loss of fun, a need for newness. I hope that when/if Chuck or I feel this way, we can talk about it. We can see that we can always grow and always change. It seems odd and “well, everyone thinks that until it’s them” of me, but I don’t really see divorce as an option. I just don’t. One of my college professors said something like, is it worth it to start over with someone else when everyone, you, me, her, him all do annoying little things? Everyone is annoying. Everyone will do things to annoy you. Is it really worth it to end a marriage because you’re sick of this one person when you’ll find a new person who does something else to annoy you? Maybe annoy is too simple a word but I feel like that’s sometimes what it comes down to. The next person may not leave toenail clippings in the bed but they might leave the air conditioning on full blast every time they drive your car (I hate that!).


And maybe it’s because I’m weak. In The Departed, Matt Damon’s character says, “If we're not going to make it, it's got to be you that gets out. I'm not capable… I'm fuckin' Irish, so I'll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life.” And maybe it’s because he identifies that with being Irish* or maybe I’m just that stubborn anyway but I’m pretty much the same way. I stick with people. I won’t take abuse from you, but I will stick with you. I stick with my people until the end (that includes Pants and Scratchy). I certainly encourage growth and communication and compromise in any relationship. I won’t be a doormat (let’s not re-visit younger Becky, please) and I’m not advocating for anyone to be a doormat. I want everyone to be happy but I’m also loyal and I know there are good times and there are teh badz times. You just can’t be happy and just right and wonderful every second of every day and nobody will be able to do that for you either. I think we all need to be fair to you, to me, to your commitments. I certainly try to be.


I read an innocent comment on one of the social media sites those kids are frequenting lately from a woman who says she and her husband "never fight." Then a bunch of other people said they never fought either. I started thinking about my relationships. And thinking about what was wrong with me and basically if I should set everything on fire. I started into a downward spiral of evaluating my relationships (every single one, most non-romantic) and deciding that I might be a horrible person because I fight with every single person I know. I came to the conclusion that I don’t believe there is a relationship ever that has not contained one fight or we’re defining the word “fight” differently.


You’ve never disagreed with your husband in 10 years. Are both of you alive? Is one of you incapable of communication? Do you have several tumors filled with rage in your chest cavity???? I wish people wouldn’t say things like that. I really, super, really wish that people would think before saying, “I never fight with my husband” because YOU ARE FUCKING WITH MY BRAIN!!!


In six years of knowing Chuck we have had one million and seven fights. I’ve been counting. One million of the fights I have been right, 500,000 of them I have conceded he might have a point and the majority of them have been about stupid things. When I say the word “fight,” I mean we don’t agree. I don’t agree with a lot of people and I will tell them about it. I’m not a confrontational person but I argue a lot with everyone, even if it’s just teasey. I see most things from different points of view and I’m also very empathetic but I like to “discuss” things. I feel like it's healthy and lovely and a really good thing. 

It drives me in-fucking-sane when people don’t communicate. You know Romeo and Juliet? I mean, not like personally, but the story? TOTAL BULLSHIT! Why can’t you motherfuckers talk to each other? Why can’t you make a goddamn plan together? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SECRETS AND LIES??????

I think this is a big part of the reason I don’t dig the chick flicks. There’s always some sort of utterly, utterly tragic miscommunication that the whole fucking thing’s based upon and then they die or they’re magically happy. What the fuck ever. I’m serious. I’m not even joking. I DID NOT SEE TITANIC! That’s how serious I am. (This may or may not have anything to do with the current webarticle. How could I know, I didn’t see the goddamn movie.) (I’m just sayin.)

Guess what? I was the one who winked at Chuck on the dating site. That’s right. If you like a boy, tell the motherfucker. If you want the last piece of cake, eat that motherfucker. I say things. Not rude things or mean things but I say shit to people. Like right to their goddamn faces. Like I’m all like, “Hey! I have something to say to you!” and then I motherfucking say it. I just had to tell one of my employees to stop leaving scabs on the counter behind a community computer. I did it tactfully and not in front of people. Just laying it out there, “The products from your body stay on your body or they go in an appropriate receptacle.” It had to be done. And it did not need to be whispered about behind her back.

If you like mooning over a kid across the room for several years without doing anything, that’s your prerogative and my middle school years but it’s also your fault. He don’t know. He over there being all, “I’m hungry. I wish somebody would give me a blow jay later.” You know what? That somebody could be you! Take charge of your life.

Once I decided to just do me, I felt so free. What’s the worst that can happen? (probably you could die)

*some people are ir, I’m just a little Irish.

twenty twelve, get ready to be resolved

this is my pledge to you, becky.

1 blog more (on accounta i like it but i haven't been doing it)


2 give up sugar (i just need to fucking pull the fucking trigger already)

my dad's africa skulls

3 take fiber and vitamins every day.
  am i old because i take so many vitamins or do i take so many vitamins because i'm old?



4 create more things (create all the things!)
    4a learn to needlepoint again (brief introduction by my grandmother)


5 watch less tv (the mindless portion of tv, i'm keeping hank moody!)


6 prepare food in advance (weekend cooking)

this was from our light rail adventure! dahtahn dallas, baby!

7 go on more meandering, pointless walks


8 ride the light rail (i put this in here because i've always wanted to be hip and ride the train to work and THEN chuck got a new job and he gets to ride the train to work and so we tested it out this past weekend) 

i'm exhausted from all the resolving i'm doing right now

becky's feelings about babies, a history

two things: yes, the dog(s) watch us have sex and no, i will not throw them under the bus when (if) a baby comes out of my vagina. don't give me that look.

 

(to my knowledge, no babies were harmed in the process of making this drawing) (i did eat some baby carrots recently) (i feel that, however, is unrelated to this web article)

here is a thing for you. here are past things i did for you. 

(click cartoon to embiggen)

this is the re-mix!!! *spins dope records on those spinny things*

i re-capped 2011 in my book* because, well, why the fuck not, amirite? no, but seriously, i wanted to kind of get a feel for the whole "shootin' match." (i've been watching too much anne burrell at lunch, clearly. goddamn lunch time television, is that all you have to offer??? assholes.) i thought i'd share it with you because i love re-caps for sures and good news, i hardly blogged at all this year, so most of this will be new to you! anywho, here's 2011 on your face.

*it's not a diary. it's a book of magical wonder.

january began with us coming back from an island vacation. it was pretty delicious and fun. my dad's mother becomes furiously angry with us for going without her even though she had decided she couldn't come due to health problems, etc, etc. my grandmother then proceeded to yell at my mother who was trying to show her pictures and tell her about the trip. not so great. we had to pretend like the trip never happened. it was the trip that must not be named. basically, we went to albania.

february was mostly wedding planning because, hey, i got married the next month and i hadn't planned it hardly at all. nor did i have a dress. this is mostly because i'm awesome at being prepared because i was a boyscout when i was a boy which was never in case you hadn't noticed. bazzzzzzing! this is also the second year we've been without my aunt mary on her birthday. it was mostly a nice february.

in march i got married on the 26th!!!! the beginning was so very stressful but it all worked out in the end because, obviously my name is now different.

april was the month of work clusterfuckage. two employees quit one right after the other. that's my entire staff, people. it super really sucked a whole bunch and i was a crazy person more so than usual. i even made a cartoon about it.

may was chuck's birthday month! that's all i remember because of work. i compartmentalize so i can think about work, work, work and then flip the home switch when i leave.

we swam a lot during june. it was the balls. pants the wonder dog was in pool heaven. it was still horrible at work but made less so by poolside drinks which makes everything better.

in july we went to north carolina for a chuckal family reunion. there were 30+ people packed into a 15 person house. you do the math. the answer is seven and it ain't pretty. it was overwhelming and sort of fun. i got to swim in the ocean and did not get to see any of the males in chuck's family's nipples because they all wore swimming shirts to swim in. then we cam home and swam in the pool with pants the wonder dog.

august was, ummmmm, still swimming. my grandmother headed up to montana for her yearly summer trip. we started planning a ski trip during xmas for montana as well. since last year went so poorly, i wanted to include her as much as possible.

we all know what september consisted of, becky's birthday month! no more swimming. wamp, waaaaaamp. chuck got me a waterproof camera for swimming pictures next year. BOOYEAH! at the end of the month, the dog i found for my brother escaped and died while visiting montana just a few months after finding a home with them.

in october my grandmother became ill with the flu and is admitted into the hospital in montana. she then needed to be medically transported back to texas and went into a re-hab facility because she was very weak. she became really scared we would to forget about her despite the fact that somebody from the family visited her most of the day starting with my dad at 6am and until she fell asleep.

november the saga continued and by thanksgiving, she was back in the hospital. i cooked thanksgiving dinner so she could eat something good in the hospital. it was the only thing she ate for days. my mom and dad ended up not doing anything for thanksgiving and the only time we saw each other was at the hospital. chuck and i forced my mom to hang out at the house for one afternoon after thanksgiving. my dad kept himself really busy at all times. we had some foundation shaking conversations. he felt powerless to help her when he couldn't fix everything. he kept saying, "i don't know what to do!" i tried to re-assure him that he was already doing everything to be done.

during her stay in the hospital, she would go in and out of awareness. up until this time, she had been very with it and able to make decisions and have conversations. she went downhill very quickly and became painful and dysphoric towards the end. it was very scary to be with her during this time because she could not get comfortable. i truly don't understand the care she was given in the hospital and the reasons why she wasn't made more comfortable. she was clearly having a reaction to morphine and needed to be switched and sedated during the switch.

on december first, my grandmother died. it came as a huge shock. she had been in and out of hospitals for years, she always bounced back. the doctors had not been very forthcoming with a clear prognosis. she was 88 years old, so i understand that there comes a time when there are too many things to take into account but they were very vague and let us draw our own incorrect conclusions. i'm disappointed with this, it gave us no time to prepare or come to terms with what was happening. she had requested for years that she wanted to die at home, so we transferred her to the house on that day. my dad had to spend that entire day trying to get a DNR order since she had never wanted one in the past (a whole 'nother story). they thought she might die on the ride home and would have had to been resuscitated if she hadn't been DNR. she died within 20 minutes of getting home. i didn't make it over there. my brother just barely made it to texas in time and only got to see her for the twenty minutes she was at home.

when i arrived, i spotted my dad inside the house (my grandmother's house is on their property, but up a hill). i went inside to tell him how sorry i was. i had to track him down in his bedroom because i think he was trying to hide. i really wanted to console him in some way but he wouldn't take the offered hug. i could tell he had been crying. he said, "bec, no. i- no. thanks, but no." i felt proud that i tried but my heart hurts for his self-imposed isolation. i don't know what else i could have done. later, i talked with my brother who said he had tried to hug my dad at his wedding and it had gone poorly. that made me smile but also makes me sad. i try not to make assumptions with my dad, even based on past events, i don't know how close he was to saying yes, so i guess i'll keep trying. i had xmas week off because we were all supposed to go skiing with my grandma in montana. it was a weird week. it was a weird month. it was full and empty at the same time.

january 2nd, 2012: i am at work with one of my favorite cats on my lap. i am ready for more life.

krusmuss

i lurve spahkly lights on trees.  it's like MAAAAGICALNESS!

it's such a magical time of year. i love "the holidays" and look forward to them. we did santa claus growing up. it was amazing. and we would always get our tree at the very last minute. one year, we even got the tree on xmas eve. now that is dedicated procrastination. my mother, ladies and gentlemen. my mom grew up catholic and claims that has something to do with our last minute trees but she says that about a lot of things. she thinks i don't know anything about catholics. pffffffft, they're the ones with the pointy hats. our tree would sometimes have some small gifts under it prior to xmas, but in keeping with her deep seated, catholic procrastination, she would wrap presents all xmas eve night and the tree would go from "meh" to "HOLY SHIT, WHERE DID ALL THESE PRESENTS COME FROM IT WAS MAGICAL SANTA????" ain't nothin' wrong with that.

my awesome wreath, bitches!

as the years progressed, the tree and xmas morning went from magical santa magic to 10am xmas morning, "mom is STILL wrapping presents?" the magic was not as magical. i mainly think of xmas as a time of family togetherness and good food. i love the little ornaments that come out year after year with their histories and stories, i love the chance of snow, i love the relaxation and eggnog. it was still nice but not as nice.

i used to work at the emergency hospital and/or "do kennels"* during every major holiday because it gave me an excuse to leave my family for short periods and/or cut down on family time altogether. PLUS double time, bitches. holidays at work are either SUPER INSANELY BUSY or dead, dead, dead but they're always fun. and everyone who's at work is either really bitter and angry or giddy with holiday cheer and hopped up on the ubiquitous holiday treats littering every counter (guess which one i was???!?!?!?!). both of these stances provided ample entertainment to an industrious becky.

for a few years, this was all i needed. a nice, hefty dose of work family and a smidgen of family family. i truly loved it. i worked thanksgiving and christmas and new years and all the days around them. it was totally rad. those shifts were my new holiday magic. some days my feet hurt and my back hurt and i wouldn't be able to take a pee break for hours on end but goddammit, we had fun. 

spahkly, frosty car windah

and then chuck happened. he is christmas. he is hopped up on christmas spirit. he snorts sugar cookies starting at the end of october. i soon found out, after our first christmas dating when he went to visit his dad and step-mom and i worked, he was disturbed at my lack of spirit. i continued to think i would be able to work on holidays but i soon realized that chuck's head would explode if christmas weren't given its proper due. i have to admit it was kind of nice to be able to enjoy it once again. he's reawakened the magic and for that, i will always be glad we found each other. 

he makes me want to cook big, huge dinners and pumpkin logs and make ornaments and buy cool presents instead of token presents. he makes me want to have a tiny tree on our mantel and dream about when we'll be able to decorate a house with spahkly lights. he makes me feel fuzzy inside my heart part. it's rather disgusting. i'm like a goddamn monster however, chuck is worse. we should never forget that. i have rubbed off on him a little. this year, he couldn't get me to go presents shopping until two weeks ago, and we did it all online! last year, we were all done by thanksgiving.

unicorn necklace (dubiously related)

snowflake necklace

snowflakes on fingers! (and whiskers on kittens)

we even went to an honest to goodness ugly sweater xmas party. i didn't have an ugly sweater because chuck told me four hours before we were supposed to arrive, we were to attend but my vagina DID rip a hole in my jeans at some point during the party, so that was nice. i didn't even know it had happened until we were driving home and drunky chuck was all handsy while i was trying to drive a car with a large drunk man in the passenger seat. he reached over and was like, "there's a hole! in your jeans! look! i can put my finger in this hole! in your jeans! i wonder when that happened?" and then he only whispered for the rest of the drive. now that's some christmas spirit.

my vagina cannot be contained (and that's second time i've typed those words).

*that means going to walk/feed/medicate the animals


also, did i tell you i have a tumblr with all my instagram photos (examples above) and maybe some other stuffs? i do, you should check that shit out. 

pudding, anyone?

here is a thing for you. here are past things i did for you. 

(click to embiggen)