Monday, December 9

Dear Fetus (Week 24)


When I was trying to figure out if I was actually feeling you or if it was some other intestinal based movement, ahem, I looked up "What do fetus movements feel like?" I got many descriptions on-the-line like, "It feels like bubbles!" and "It feels like gas but only if gas was made of butterflies!" I guess bubbles would be the closest sensation to feeling another being wiggling inside of you, but I think I've come up with a better one. So if you took a bag of kittens in water, that could breathe water, bare with me here, and then put a thick blanket over them, that's what it feels like from the outside. I just don't know why anybody said that before. Simple. And on the inside, it feels like when you've just exercised for a while and your muscles are kinda twitchy, like your thighs, especially if it's a little cold outside.

We had an ultrasound and found all your parts seem to point to male genitalia. You are big too. You're measuring ahead of the curve in everything, especially your femur, which is measuring a full week ahead of everything else. This is a tall family, bro, you better keep up. But, I think seeing you kick and wiggle while I felt you inside me at the same time, was the most awesome. I keep having flashbacks to the ultrasound, to seeing your little head and little body. I can see why people get addicted to ultrasounds, it was so exciting to SEE you! I am imagining your face and your little hands. Will you look like me or him? Will you have blonde hair? Ringlets?

It's been fun being able to call you "he" because it brings us a little closer to knowing you. Your father was so excited to see that he was right and that you're a boy. He was so sure and so convinced that he had all his family saying he and him. I feel like I knew too. I was looking at my tea set and knew that I'd have to have another, to get the girl who'd like my tea set. Who knows though, I shouldn't put you in a box, without my tea set. 

Love to the moon,
Ute


Monday, October 21

Dear Fetus (week 18)

Every week, on Saturday, I show Chuck the baby app on my phone for the new week. It's very sweet, cos he'll say things like, "Our baby has four arms this week?" He's really excited to meet you too. We're all going to the ultrasound in a few weeks, your grandmother talked herself into that one, and I think he'll be one of the most excited because he's only felt one tiny tap on his hand so far.
From the Sprout app.
It is so weird feeling you inside me. Pretty much any time I'm still, I feel you. During the week, I'll feel you in the car, at lunch and on the ride home. I guess you're soundly sleeping while I'm working my ass off. Punk. I'm thinking barking dogs and squirmy, purry cats are going to be your favorite lullaby by the time you get out. 

I've been eating a lot of spicy food too, you seem to like it because you start up tapping afterward. I'd like to say it's because of science! but really, it's because it's yummy. I do hope, however, that you'll continue to like a wide variety of food and I won't have to eat my words that kids eat what you feed them.

All my love,
The Owner of The Uterus

Monday, October 14

Dear Fetus

I thought I'd start a "Dear Fetus" series because, who doesn't love a pre-baby? Oh, that's right, Liberals. Ha, ha, ha, ha, haaaaa. I kid. I support a woman's right to choose. This paragraph has gotten off track. Yoooups.

Photo by Hey Paul Studios


Dear Fetus,
I've been incubating your tiny body for 17 weeks. That means you're the size of an apple right now. I'm not sure what that means due to the wide variety of apple sizes but, that's apparently where we are in the world of fetus sizing. 
I've had a few midwife appointments, but last week was amazing. I laid down on the couch and she said, "Ah. There's your baby." I felt such a surge of relief, like I might actually be actually pregnant for realsies. It's incredible that life is so fragile and haphazard but also so stubborn. I felt you too with my hands and I feel you inside my ute, bee-bopping around in there. 
I wonder things about you. Do you think? Are you bored? Do you need a book in there? Apparently, you're just sleeping in there. That sounds pretty fucking nice. I, on the other hand, awaken forty million times a night to pee because of you. (Fetus' first guilt trip. Awwwww.)
I'm so happy everyday that you're in there. I hope that you continue to grow and thrive, let me know if you need anything else. Prolly more ice cream, yeah? We should be able to "see" you in a few weeks and look at your genitals. We're pretty stoked about picking a name and your father needs to come to grips that you might not have a penis. 
Love,
The Owner of the Uterus
P.S. Did I mention, I'm pregnant?

Monday, December 10

Pickle Chicken


Pickle chicken will change your life. For the better. Probably. Maybe pickle chicken will turn you into a prostitute because you'll need money to buy pickles, I don't know. However, what I do know, is that pickle chicken will change. Your. Life.

You'll need:
Pickle juice
Chicken breasts
Spices
Flour mixture (I used a gluten free all purpose flour)
A few eggs with a little water or milk whisked in
Peanut oil

Tools you'll need:
Chicken smasher
Fryer
Zzzzzip!lock bags
Aluminum foil
Whisk
Tongs (one for raw chicken, one for cooked chicken)

First, you'll need to smash your chicken breasts within an inch of their lives (oops). What I do, because I don't mess around with chicken because it's gross, is line my counter with some aluminum foil, put two chicken breasts in each gallon ziplock bag and have one more open ziplock for the marinating. Also, I don't use the tenderizer part of the meat smasher, I just use the flat part with no pointiness because I don't wanna make holes in my bags.

I'm smashing!
Once you've achieved your desired thickness, transfer your smashed chicken into one ziplock all together. Then add pickle juice to cover. I also usually sprinkle some pepper in there too. Then roll up your bag to get the air out, BUT DON'T GET RAW CHICKENY PICKLE JUICE ON THE COUNTER BECAUSE, GROSS. GAH! 
Pickle bath.
The chickens hang out for about 30 minutes to an hour in the pickle juice bath. I leave them out on the counter (gasp!) for that time period and I've never done them longer than that so I don't know if you can make it ahead. I do turn the bag over every so often as I think of it. Anywho, once they've been in there long enough, make your breading station. I use the same aluminum foil to go under the two bowls, one with egg wash and one with flour. I spice up both bowls; the eggs just with pepper and salt, the flour with s&p, cayenne pepper, granulated garlic/onion, paprika and whatever else you'd like. 


Then the fun (gross) begins. Drip off your pickle juice and put your chicken in the egg mixture, then drip off the egg mixture and flour on both sides. Make a pile of breaded chicken on a plate to easily transfer to the fryer. Next, fry at 375'F for about 10ish minutes until chicken is a) cooked and b) nicely browned.
Oh, yeah, baby!
While you're frying a few at a time, you can put the cooked ones in a 200'F oven to keep them nicely toasty. Then you eat everything right up with green beans and mashed potatoes.



Yes.

Tuesday, November 13

Reasons It's Not Almost Thanksgiving



I *just* removed the skulls from my mantle display, I need a little more November before we settle into Thanksgiving.

I haven't been to WholeFoods to get the gluten free pie crusts. They're gonna be gone by the time I get there and I'm gonna cry. I haven't come up with a good recipe for pie crusts since two Thanksgivings ago when they were all out of pie crusts, but don't worry, I stocked up and oops I just used my last, year-old pie crust last weekend. I was test driving a pumpkin pie recipe. 

My brother('s wife) hasn't had the baby yet. This is more because I want to see the baby and squeeze it ASAP as possible.

We just had *the first* really cold day of fall. I need to just relax and enjoy the cold, please.

I HAVEN'T MADE A LIST OF THINGS I'M GOING TO COOK FOR THANKSGIVING! I need a list. I love a list. I need a doodle-filled list of yumtasticness.

Halloween candy still exists in my life.

I haven't bought a turkey and I don't want to go to the store and get one. There's *people* there at this time of year.

Our chest freezer keeps tripping on and off.

I don't wanna mess up my clean kitchen.

It doesn't *feel* like November.




What are your reasons for procrastinating about Thanksgiving? (Not that you would. You're probably all ready and stuff. Bitches.)

Thursday, October 18

Something Like It

One's mine and one's my grandpa's. Aren't we so cute????

The man himself (high school grandpa)


Apparently, Katniss Everdeen

Hallo, hallo, ween.

Fall basket of dead things

SPIDER WEB!!! (don't worry, it's just my bracelet)

Hey

Movie night

Play all day

And then the sleeps

Fall is the best at food.

Squeeeeeeze

Wrist party!
I'm treading water to keep my head barely above water at work right now. I have a sad, sad song to sing and I'm not sure what I should really do about it. I've committed to ninety days here and that's what I'm doing. I don't know how/if it will change. I really, really, reallyreally want to love my job again. In related news, if you'd like to hire me to run a gluten-free diner, train your dog, teach you pet CPR/first aid/emergency preparedness, or just be generally awesome near you, please let me know and I'll be right over WITH GUSTO!

Wednesday, September 12

Welcome to Crazytown

First Day of Work Face

Labor Day

Masterclass: Relaxation by Dr. G. Pickles

Dr. G. Pickles

What do you use a bidet for?

Birthday Dinner

Chuck's baby feet. This makes me wanna die.

The family that naps together.

Fishtail. This takes me FOREVER to do, you?

Happiest Pants

Finally nail polish. (Essie, Stylenomics. It's much more blue-y/green-y)

Four months (17 weeks)

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Snuggletown, USA

It's been.... Stressful. I walk into work, start running, and run all day long. I feel like a crazy person. The good news is the doctor that's there right now, said I'm doing a good job. SO, um, yay. But the weird part is that when the doctor I'll actually work for get back, we're changing things. It's all very confusing and weird and limbo-y. The puppy comes to work with me now, so he's getting good exposure to being awesome. I can't believe he's almost 18 weeks old (this Friday). He's 5.2 pounds and just the cutest boy. He makes me laugh every day. It makes me so happy that Pants loves him too. The moment I get home, they launch themselves at each other and play until they crash. Chuck's not fully in love with the puppy, especially since I left them together while at Saturwork and the puppy diarrhead on the couch. He's being slowly won over because Pants loves Dr. Gumball Pickles so much.