when i am near a cliff or a railing i imagine throwing myself off it. i try to tell if i would die or just break my bones (like omar). i get as close as i can to the edge. i imagine someone else falling over. i imagine getting there just in time to save them. many times i get a little queasy sticking my body partway over a railing, but i have to see.
i also imagine my shoes going into any storm drain i might walk over, or if i/my dogs could fall in. i imagine there are little kittens in there if there's a lot of rain. maybe i could save them. i imagine my car going right over the guardrail and becoming airborne (can't find a picture of the truckster jumping). i imagine cars coming over to my side and swerving around them. or while i'm holding an animal, the worst possible bite imaginable to me or the other person.
in montana we would go cliff diving on the lake. i would stand up there about to jump and imagine hitting the rocks below. would that ruin the fun? would we ever go back? if there was a hidden rock that everyone had just missed five minutes ago and last year and the year before and i hit it out of sheer luck, would i feel guilty? one time i just couldn't jump thinking about all that. everyone was watching me. someone yelled up, "don't think! jump!" every time after that i would chant 'don't think, jump! don't think, jump! don't think, jump!' on the way up and the way doooown.
my sister wants to go skydiving. i don't think i could ever do that or bungee jump. i know i would die if something went wrong. that's the difference. if i hit a rock or jump off a second story, i might die. if we jump and the chute fails to deploy, splat ("oh dear god... this parachute is a backpack!").
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