traffic

i am somewhat of a traffic savant. the routes i take all the time, i know exactly what lane to be in and how long to be in that lane. i expertly maneuver exactly where i need to be while taking into consideration the thoughts and feelings of others (i don't think i've flipped someone off ever. now the horn... that's another story).

my shining moment of traffic savantry was on the way to houston with chuck. we had been driving for about two hours and it was approximately the butt crack of night. i saw taillights. i felt that there was something big coming. i was halfway asleep but i immediately said, "get off! get off right now!" chuck looked at me like i was crazy. "do it!" so he got onto the service road.... in about half a mile, over a little hill, the entire highway was stopped dead. chuck said, "woah." and i said, "who's you're daddy?" (it was me).

i'd say this is due to my mother... but that would be a lie. and i am morally against my lying to people i don't know. my mother claims she's good driver because she has driven for long periods of time in foreign countries. i say driving in brazil is no place to learn to drive. i give her credit that she's still alive, but that's it. she knows where she is anywhere and to that i give major props. that woman can find anything. but! but! she takes long cuts. it drives me insane! she thinks she always has to be moving. therefore, she takes these little "shortcuts" that lengthen the trip by at least 20 minutes. she will. not! wait in line at a traffic light. noooo! she's gotta go through three parking lots and back behind a liquor store and theeen she'll go down a scary alley to avert an insignificant wait.

she also encourages flagrant misuse of break pumping. if you have a headache, run the other way! the other way! when she's riding with me i can hear and see her furiously pumping her pretend brakes over there in the passenger seat. she does this while clutching some part of the car interior and gasping at random intervals. i have seriously almost killed all sorts of people in response to her gratuitous exclamations.

so if you see me (o hai!) i'll let you in front of me if you're blinker's on, if you do the same for me (thanks!). i'll even give you the obligatory wave as i drive on down the road.