itsa tooma

if you didn’t already know, my aunt has a brain tumor. it’s the bad kind (as opposed to the kind that allows magical powers. wouldn't that be cool?). she’s gradually forgetting everything. she’s pretty good with very, very, very current things. she’s easy to talk to, she just forgets. she’s terrified that she looks/sounds stupid. but really she doesn’t she just forgets. she's like a lil goldfish (in terms of memory).

i had to clip her nails last week because she gets distracted really easily and about an hour later, i told my mother what i had done. my aunt said, “you did what??!” “i trimmed your nails because they were getting rather long,” i said. “you did?… Oh, thank you! It is so weird that I don’t remember that,” she says with astonishment.

my mother is basically with her twenty four seven. one morning my aunt took her dog for a walk by herself and almost got lost in the woods. yeah. mom almost had a heart attack.

she has a little fun with it as well, because eh... what are you gonna do? right?

one of my aunt's current lines she says over and over is, "so, what's new with you??? tell me anything! i probably won't remember it and i know you may have already told me." you'll say something like, "oh, nothing much really. just working." if it were up to her, we would have this convo over and over again. you have to prompt her into something she knows like dogs or college or places she'd like to visit. my mom is adamant that everything is explained to her* which is good, especially if you're talking about her treatment or what's going on with her meds. we'll have to go over the fact that she's been in chemo/radiation for two months. that it's still 2009 and it's only been three months since we've known about the tumor. she thinks it's been years.

the funny part is she doesn't remember things like she hasn't had any diet coke in three years. she just stopped that long ago. she is absolutely floored by this tidbit of info. "what???!?!?" she'll say, "i love diet coke!" and my mom will say, "you said the carbonation was too much for you." "what???!?!?!? i love carbonation!" she exclaims with such passion that my mother will dissolve into giggles. she brings this up apropos to nothing. my mother will say, "you haven't had any diet coke in three years." and watch ensuing hilarity. while giggling.

the other and equally horrible thing my mother said to my poor aunt concerned driving. she can't drive, obviously. she doesn't have anymore peripheral vision to the left and ... she has a tumor. in her brain. i say this because that's how they broke it to her, "you can't drive because your peripheral vision is gone." what? tumor? in the brain? i think that's reason enough.

anyshoosles, she likes to say things like, "i guess you guys won't let me drive. i think it's a good thing though, because of the tumor." and my mom will say, "well, to determine the driving we did rock paper scissors. you won, so i'm stuck driving you around to your various appointments

it's hard to see the progression and to know that, so far, the chemo/radiation hasn't done any good at all. it's not really something you can "beat" unless you happen to be some sort of freak of nature accident that happens to live and/or bend spoons with it.



*at the very beginning when my aunt was just starting to forget things, she forgot that my grandmother was dead. it really upset her to learn this info again (obv). one of her friends from work asked my mom if it "wouldn't be better to tell her that she's still alive." what? and if she asks why her mother isn't here or can we go see her? what then? it's just heartbreaking.