the story of poo (tmit)

a tradition, nay a weekly national holiday devised by lilu. all the TMIs are apparently here for your viewing pleasure. More poop today for tmit. I will work my way through more p’s but this just pooped popped into my head so…

I am very uncomfortable with feces. I have to deal with animal poop at work on a daily basis but human poop or people talking about human poop makes me embarrassed (but oddly fascinated). This has lead to some people in my life telling me poop stories just to make me blush profusely (ghost white lends itself to noticeable blushing*).

The first story involves my brother. I’ve mentioned him before but just to catch you up, he was always the cool older brother who could do no wrong in the entire family’s eyes. Which you think would be annoying (sometimes is) but is actually pretty much true (damn him!). He tried to talk me into drinking alcohol when I was 17 (I was terrified of being arrested for underage drinking. I think I thought I had some sort of Harry Potteresque charm that would alert the Ministry of Magic police if I put one toe out of line. Thanks, scary dad. Because everyone was drinking beer, my excuse was that “I don’t drink beer” to which my brother said, “well what do you ‘normally’ drink?” to which I said, “um, pina coladas?” and then the bastard made me a pina colada which I drank while fearing the long arm of my dad** the law), he waved hello to me when I was a freshman and he was a (cool) senior in high school, he and he even took me to my first bar.

Anywho. Poop. So my brother Robert (Robbie) was dating my very good friend (I met her about twenty minutes before he did) who also happened to be my freshman roommate (sounded like a good idea until they broke up my freshman year because she kissed some other dude who now happens to be her husband). She was the one who said to me, “well, just so you don’t like find these somewhere or something, this is my birth control and yes, I am having sex with your brother.” Great, I feel dirty.


Sooo, she used to help Robbie clean his apartment or just clean it herself (what is the deal with girlfriends cleaning their boyfriends apartment because “I just can’t stand it anymore!”). During this process she found a cup under the bathroom sink. Ok, no big deal. Upon closer inspection these are loafers she saw some “goo” on the bottom of said cup. She, in a fit of insanity (I try to never smell any goo I may come across) smelled the cup. Hmmm... And smelled it again. And realized, to her horror, it smelled like poop.
There was poop in a plastic take home souvenir cup from Dickey’s BBQ. How did the poop get there? We’ll never know. We tried to decipher the meaning of "poop in a cup" but we were unable to fathom the reason that anyone would poo in a cup or poo and then transfer it into a cup. His roommate was gross. And from that moment i could no longer look Poo-In-A-Cup in the eyes ever again.

This is why I don't clean other people's homes. And also? When I first started dating Chuck, he had a Dickey's cup in his shower. It’s ok. He uses it to "rinse the tiles." It doesn't smell like poo.
Speaking of showers, I also have another poo story. As I mentioned previously, people in my life know that I am made uncomfortable by scatological stories so when they heard this one, they made the poor guy come over and tell it to me (very awkwardly). It was like, “OMG! You have to tell this to Becky!!!” and he was like, “ummm…” This was one of those, we’re drunk, let me tell you this funny story, in the moment. Then he’s dragged over to me and he just can’t quite re-create the moment.

It happened something like this: a friend of his had a roommate who was weird (people should screen roommates better). In a fit of weirdness, he confessed that sometimes he liked to poo in the shower and push the poo through the drain cover with his toes. Awkwardly gross.

*this reminds me of a time when my friend, whose name sounds slightly like vagina if mispronounced (which I always found funny so I did), was delighted when I mispronounced it, she got mad and then I blushed which she found hilarious.
** Even though I lived in the dorms (and he did not)