eHow: not to get pregnant TMIT

a tradition, nay a weekly national holiday devised by lilu. all the TMIs are apparently here for your viewing pleasure. my latest foray into the awesomely bad TMI. here goes...

as per my original TMIT, i did not have teh sexy time until 24 YEARS of age. judge me if you will (actually don't, it's sooo 2001. and also? judge not lest yeee but judged. i would know). therefore, my father (aka some scary guy who lives with my mom) waited to have the "sex talk" until i was 24. why rush things, right? when i read f.b.'s postage about "the talk" i was all like, "hey, i had an awkward experience! yay!"

so, i had been dating a bunch, trying not to get raped regularly and spending the night on various couches. all the while living at home (funsies!). let's just say i was whoring everything but my vagina* out to the penis carrying public. whoring it out. my dad completely ignored this whole phase.

then (still 24) along came the force of nature that was chuck and becky. we were inSEParable. together all the time! i think it was about three months from when we met to when i moved in after spending every night on his incredibly shitty bed, unofficially, of course (now we have a king sized bed that doesn't make me cry in the morning and allows for tiny dogs to splay themselves spread eagle across the entire frickin bed).

the "next step" occurred and i "moved in." aaah, what a magical three years it's been. magical. my dad did not see this as a magical development. he did not appreciate it one bit. so, he decided that it would be a great time to pull out THE talk. this was AFTER i had been sexing the hell out of chuck for THREE MONTHS! three months, that's a lot of sexy. a LOT. like, a lot.

this is how my father is, he'll say, "HEY!" while i'm getting in my car after just spending an arbitrary amount of time in the house with the family while he's been in the garage "doing things." so, startled almost every time, i'll say, "hey." this time he says, "you're living with this guy?" i say, "yes," never volunteer any more information than asked. he says, "living with him, bec?" "yes, i am." "ok," he says, clearly implying that it's not ok. "ok," i say, confirming the okness of the act. he says, "do you know how to not get pregnant?" awkward pause, how far into this are we going to forge? "yes, i know how to not get pregnant." "you don't want to get pregnant. you have things to do before you get pregnant," he reminds me. "yup, i do," confirming my plans to do "things."

"alright," he says. he pauses. both of us standing about twenty feet apart. me at my car door and him leaning against an RTV by the garage. i know there's more coming. i know what he's going to say and so i wait. "bec," he says, playing along with the script he wrote many, many years ago. "yes?" i say, knowing... "think," he says. and like always, i say, "yup."

did my mother talk to me about anything besides tampons? no. did either one of them talk to my siblings? no. did i immediately call both of them to ask about it? yes. neither of them! and my YOUNGER sister had a steady BOYFRIEND in HIGH SCHOOL! and WENT TO THE PROM WITH HIM! WHERE THEY PROBABLY HAD SEX! WITH EACH OTHER! who did he think we were? does he think my sister knows how to not get pregnant? why don't i? my brother had a girlfriend alllll through high school and into college? they didn't need some fatherly direction on how not to get each other pregnant?

and that's the time. my dad almost said something. about my vagina.

*big ole asterisk on this one. because you guys are dirty birdies. i'm talking making out NOT buttsex. or ear sex. OR nostrils. my nostrils are EXIT only.