evil, evil yoga

a fellow student in my bikram class said to me, "you're awesome." what? noooo! what? this just made my entire life.

i feel like she's a plant from the school. they're like, "pssst... we'll give you a free class if you tell that unfortunate gal over there, barely eeking through the class that she's awesome. you just have to say, 'you're awesome.'" then the lady who told me i'm awesome says, "but she's like so... not." and then the evil bikram studio employee/satan says, "yeah, but we want her to keep coming back and giving us money for things like coconut water. she loves that stuff and pays for it too. we may put on a veneer of loveliness and hippiness but we're all about the monah! we need it for pot. on the weekend. oh, wait. we don't smoke pot because our body is our temple. the reason we're so chill is mostly due to dehydration."

i'm just kidding. they're great. and not satan. and they don't smoke pot (cough dehydration cough). no, really they're lovely people. my favorite instructor so far, let's call her anabella, was just greatness, if a little odd. she is like the bikram guru of *whereilive.*

i looooooved her class... but.... she said, "i didn't eat any jelly beans on easter." what? she's like this close to being emaciated. she didn't eat them because she, "didn't need them." what? who doesn't need jelly beans. on easter. she does. she needs jelly beans because the next thing she started going into were butterflies. she said, "how many shoes do you own?" then we did the next pose and then she said, "i have four." first of all, is this four pairs or four shoes total? "what does that have to do with yoga?" she said. then she laid this doozey on us, "you can't be a butterfly with too many shoes."

i would think a butterfly has at least six total shoes. fact: insects have six feet. consider this: even chuck, a smelly boy, has two pairs of sneakers, two pairs of dress shoes and two pairs of flip flops which equals 12 shoes total...

butterflies have an assload of shoes. by definition. (if we infer that they do wear shoes at all, which we do. because she didn't say butterflies don't have shoes, she said they don't have "too many" shoes.)

she peppered her butterfly commentary throughout the class, "you have to pack lightly if you want to be a butterfly." i'm imagining her closet. five "shirts" (sports bras), two "pants" (spandex short, shorts), four total shoes, a tie dye headband and a fleece pullover. maybe a cotton sundress for special occasions. otherwise, she's naked. like a butterfly.

she did make the time just fly by while i was tottering on my right leg, which was like a lamppost and almost passing out while arching my body all the was around in a circle. once i got over the urge to throw up while trying to lick my toes, i was fine. you should try bikram. you really, really should. start drinking water now.

ps this whole story was just so i could tell you someone in my class told me i'm awesome. because that's what yoga is all about: competition. and pot. mostly pot.