school dayz (TMIT)

a tradition, nay a weekly national holiday devised by lilu. all the TMIs are apparently here for your viewing pleasure. my latest foray into the awesomely bad TMI. here goes...

to be a fully certified animal nurse you have to do some things. some horrible, unspeakable things. to animals. many of them involving the swim suit area of said animals. you know, the swim suit area. the danger zone. the no, no area. the stranger danger no, no spot.
i've seen some things, man.
it all began when we moved to texas from no cal.* texas is all animally and shit. they gots animals ervrawhere. i mean it. you can't go to the bathroom without stepping over a cow patty (that's cow poop for those of you who are just plain ol' dumb. i mean, who doesn't know that? seriously).
we moved to tejas when i was aged nine. our neighbors had cows on our land. there were mommy cows and daddy cows and wee little baby cows. there were a lot of cows in my personal domain. we also had an electric golf cart that we could drive all over the twenty acres. my sister even let her friend sit on her lap and crash it, into a telephone poll, funsies. you see, she wasn't allowing her friend to drive, just steer, on her lap. ah, the perfect logic of little sisters.
anyshoozle, do you know how baby cows get into the field with the mommies and daddies? do you? well, i do! (despite what my father may have lead you to believe). one fine day, on my hourly rounds with the golf cart, i noticed the cows. doing something. something dirty. very dirty. it was teh sexy time. teh cow sexy time. i stopped the golf cart. i engaged the break. i settled in for the show.
the cows, were having... seeeex. omg! humping away. and i was mesmerized, leaning forward in my seat, squinting, angling my head to get a good view. whoa! these cows are totally doing it. oh, childish curiosity! so innocent, so pure.
and then the neighbor drove up on his very LOUD tractor that i did not notice until it was mere feet from my front bumper. i'm sure i turned bright scarlet and sat back and popped the break and said something like, "ahumergh. hi, mr. miller..."
holy skittles, this guy totally knew what i was doing. i'm a horrible person. he's gonna tell my dad. i'm going to be grounded or something. and then my friends will ask, "why dyou get grounded?" and i'll have to say, "cow sex." my life is over! he never said anything to anyone and thus began my illustrious animal career. it gets much, much worser. i went to school to watch animals have sex. i am certified in animal sex. be jealous.
let's see, in school i had to hold the bull jizz cup. what? well, i thought i'd get to good part right off without beating around the bush. oh, wait! that's not the good part. do you know how you get a bull to jizz in his pants a cup? i knew you'd know, shove a huge metal electrified "ejaculator" into his bum after manually removing any poopies that might be in the way of your electrical current. christ, why did i do in the name of my education?
so, yeah, cow spunk. then we had to go over the baby horse batter. the cows get things shoved up their asses. horses get a better deal. they have to have a real live girl horsey to get them "going." here's how: you parade a... parade of female horses past one lucky boy horse. when there is a "favorable" reaction you set up a "date." what do you need for a horse date? well, if the point of this date is to "collect" the "result" you need two horses, an s&m rig to tie up the female (they kick, apparently) and a HUGE rubber horse vagina. what? a HUGE rubber horse vagina. this thing is frickin HUGE. it's like the size of a small child (eeeew).
the crucial part happens when the daddy horse is about to "hit it" you have to get all up in their biz and "direct" him into to artificial vagina (i know, barf. i was about as far back as i could be without getting in trouble. in retrospect, this is probably why i was nominated to hold the cow's cup). then we looked at it under a microscope. all wiggly and everything.
and theeeen, you have baby horses. aw, baby horses. they trot around and prance and buck. sooo cute. remember the baby horses! remember them. cuz then we chopped their balls off. for school. and the baby goats? chopped. the dogs? balless. kitties? no danglies at all. who else did we castrate? right, the piggies. poor piggies' testicles were taken in the prime of life. i have a lot to answer for if i ever see those gents again.
do i deal with any sperm now that i have my education? now that i have a real job? nope. those were the days. thank miley cyrus (it's miley!) that i don't ever have to be that close to a bull peen ever, ever again. now i have to go take a hot shower. the scrubbing will never make it clean.
and that's the time. i went to school. and chopped animals' balls off.
*i know, i know "nor cal." i like no cal better because it's cooler in my head. that's all that matters. besides, i lived there, jerk, i can call it what i want. suck on that.
ps did you notice the cow sex above? did you look real close? two udders. those are lesbian cows, just for yous guyses. aww, who loves ya? its me!
ps again: this TMI, in addition to being sponsored by, was also inspired by lilu's post regarding show cows (jazz hooves!)