summer

it's almost summer tiiiiiiime! if it weren't raining all the time, it would be time for summer. i wear sunglasses like all the time. i'm the gal wearing sunglasses on rainy days on sunny days and on all the other days that don't fit into that category. i have two separate pairs of sunglasses for any such situation. my back up pair are the rainy day pair. my main pair is super great sexification. it really, really is...

the main criteria required for sunglasses are as follows: they must be dark, they must be big and they must be super great sexification (obviously). the most important criterion for my sunglasses department is polarization. when i bought my first pair of polarized glasses i was in love.

have you ever worn a pair? have you ever looked at the little window at the gas pump and been like, "omg! i can't see! i'm blind!" because your polarization goes this way (waves hand horizontally) and the gas station decided to puts theirs this way (waves hand vertically)? and then you remember about the polarization and you spend a few minutes rocking your head back and forth. it looks like you're quizzing the pump but really you're saying, "i can see it. (head tilt to the right) now i can't. (head tilt to the left) i can see it. now i can't. i can see it now i can't..." and then the pump goes chachunk! and scares the living daylights out of you. so you put the handle back and sneakily glance around wondering if anyone saw your rainmanlike activity. people look down when they catch your eye, embarrassed for both of you.

it works with my computer screen too!

i first found out about this spectacular phenomenon in my physic's class. i had the best physics teacher ever invented in the teacher factory. he was awesome. he had two pieces of polarized glass. he put them on the overhead (do kids these days still have overheads in class? do you know what that means? is that still cool? oh, back in the day...). then he laid them on top of each other. THEN he twisted them veerrrry slowly to reveal that they blocked out all light known to man in that little circle. i think this is the only time he used the overhead in the three years i had him.

anyshoozle, i thought it was neato. i wanted polarized sunglasses. stat.

so... three years later, i went to some sort of hut, with sunglasses. those bastards are effing expensive. and effing jackholes that made me uncomfortable. "can i help you?" he says, all up in my breathing air. "uuuh..." i say, clearly trying desperately to breathe, "polarized?" i sum up. he proceeded to show me five million dollar sunglasses. i finally got out, "what's the cheapest pair?" to which he said, i don't remember what he said, something about sunglasses obviously. so i said, "cheapest. i don't care." he sighed, then pointed. they were really ugly. i bought them for like fifty bucks. BUT they came with cleaner! and a cleaning rag! IN a convenient satchel! good deal.

at the time i was getting frequent headaches (migraines... shh! don't alert my brain, it might start one up just to mess with my head) while driving fifty miles, one way, to school each day. these glasses kept me from driving my car right off one of those highway overpasses. in other news, can you believe how high up tire marks go on the "walls" of those 57 story highway overpasses? i get a little panicky when i see them. i mean, how is that guy still living? diagram following:

are you still with me? what was i even talking about?

sunglasses. (oops! experiencing premature postage. i'll get that checked out). moving on! i love sunglasses! and when i broke my favorite pair the other day, i was devastated. crushed. sad. frowny. so, i had to use my backup pair. i don't like them and they're ugly, thus assuring that i will never lose them. BUT i did. in the same day that i lost (as in they passed on to that forehead in the sky) the main pair. what. is up. with that biz? complete codswallop!

sooooo i bought a new pair online. and squinted. all the time. theeeen they came. they were awesome. theeeen i lost those! my sunglass-karma was shot to hell! i bought another pair at Dick's (hee, hee. they named a store dicks. what do they sell there besides dicks? sunglasses). they were the rainy day variety but they were very cuteness.

i knew the other pair would come back to me. i proceeded to accuse everyone in my life of stealing and/or hiding and/or executing perverse acts with my sunglasses. "i know i had them tuesday! you were here tuesday! give them back!" i would shout at my employee. i knew she had them. i even looked in her car. they weren't there. clearly, they were in her glove box. (glove box, hee).

i don't think anyone will blame me when i tell you i found them on the far side of the passenger seat of my car. i mean, it's a common mistake. sure, i yelled and accused, but it all worked out in the end, right? it's a loooong way away from me in the car. who would have thought they could have slid all the way over there? nobody.

and that's the time. i looked hot. in sunglasses.