big girl poops (tmit)

as we aaaaaall know, i've had issues with dot, dot, dot my pooper. well not my pooper but the stuff that leads up to the pooper. well not the stuff that lead up to my pooper, my actual entire body. yes, i have issues with my entire body. it sucks. it doesn't like gluten. like, not at all.

it wasn't until i moved in with my lovah chuck that i really realized that running immediately to the twalette to poo my entire guts out complete with spasms and everything after eating a slice of pizza wasn't normal. who knew? you see, before moving in with a smelly boy i ate a lot better. i ate green things and "fresh things" and not so much with the three day pizza and booze benders. i mean i ate pizza and i had to bathroom it up BUT not to that extent.

then chuck said, "what's wrong with you?" and i said, "nothing! sometimes i have trouble with bready things." chuck said, "nope. that's not normal."

dude! it's not. here is my PSA! my service to humanity! my moment to shine in life! thanks to alli's question, i know my purpose in the world. and it is this sentence, that is coming up. right here. coming up next:

if you have diarrhea everyday that is NOT normal. you need to get that shit checked out. (see what i did there?)

so that's what i did and found out i was allergic to "gluten." oh, and not dairy (thank you jesus!). to add to my allergy to figs. and latex. and penicillin. aaaaaaaaaand oh just a shitload of other things.

now they know how to kill me. bad move.

anywhooo, i stopped eating that shitzle. after having the rooons for simply years i really didn't have a "feel" for what i've deemed "big girl poops." think about it: i just sat. it all came out. wipe and i'm out. streamlined. now i've got to have things to do in there. i mean s.i.t.t.i.n.g. for what seems like a long time. just sitting letting things move on out. it's frickin boring, y'all. how do you do that? for reals. do you people have tvs in your bathrooms?

should i get one of those stools? would that speed things along? cheese and rice, you guys. i have shit to do! a lot of shit! and shit is taking my valuable time to do other shit. and shit. na wuttum sayin, pal? i need advice. i have like three books in the bee room. or as i like to call it the broom. big chunks of time sucked away down the toilet.

i don't know what to do with myself. the other thing is, well, i don't like the way it feels. it's too much. it feels like it should be at least three to four feet long and then i look into the water and it's like a little nug. stumpy. "where's the rest of it?" i'll say to myself. it's hiding! but it's not, dangit. i just spent like, HOURS in there, sitting, doing nothing. all for naught. all for stumpy. i'm going to invent "not pooping." oh, wait that's a colostomy bag. and that's gross. well, not if you have to have one, then it's probably pretty great. but for me, it's probably just gross. yeah. pretty sure. right?

ps it is disturbing how many children are being photographed on the toilet. yeech. goal for future children: no pictures published on the internet of my child pooping. the research i'll do for pictures for my chillens (that means you guys) for blooog posts. i'm an american hero.

you can blame this altogether to much information and the lovely talented lilu and read some other biz here (where they aaaaall are for you! from the lilu)