my dogs vlog

oj, y'all. ervrawun's doing videos and well, i wanna! what's better than tiny doggies being tortured? nothing. therefore, when a dude said to me the other day, "wow, your dog smells really good!" and i was like of course she does! she sleeps with me! in my head.* this made me think of just "how the sausage is made," if you will.

i conducted and experiment. you'll have to excuse the state of the laboratory. it has flip flops, leashes slash collars slash harnesses, hangers that need to be taken back to the cleaners.... my weird looking arms. arms are weird. anywho, i conducted an experiment.

i already said that.

the experiment consists mainly of applying "doggie perfume" to my dogs to illustrate the differences between the two breeds of dogs. clearly, the jack russell terriers have been bred to have a severe reaction to "things that smell good" and cleanliness in general.

this particular subject has the same reaction to baths and drying off after the pool. and my perfume. and some cleaning supplies applied in her vicinity. she's very sneezey.

she's also very growly and loud. this is mostly my fault because i used to hold her above other dogs and make her growl. she growls at everything. she's a growler. she also moans and talks. it's hard to describe. she cracks me up. she's the sweetest loveliest doggie in the whole wide world. if i'm angry she comes over and cuddles against me. looking up with her tiny eyes. she loves babies as well. she'll belly crawl to them while wagging her tail.

the other subject has no reaction to perfume, she simply walks away to go back to what she was doing previously: filling my bills. she's very organized. after that one time she missed a deadline and i showed her what's up (if you know what i mean**), she's never been late, ever again.

now i'm going to do that whole thing where conan o'brien says, "and what clip do you have for us, christian bale?" and christian bale says, "fuck you! conan!" you know, that whole thing.

except i'm going to actually tell you what it's about. this is the experiment, in it's entirety, for posterity's sake, to document for the future, what happens when perfume is applied to a mammal. clearly it burns.

without further ado, this is matilda (pants) and candi. these are not their real names. because all of you are weirdos. every single one of you (except you and especially you! you know who you are) and i don't want you stealing them and calling them their names! except i actually do call matilda, pants. which is a spin off of her real name. so, don't steal them. you weirdo.

this is me laughing hysterically while watching my dog is writhing in pain horror that she doesn't smell like horse poo or lizard guts.

yooutoob link

*she doesn't sleep with me in my head. she sleeps in the bed. i was "like that" in my head.
**i punched her square in the ballz