becky is mean to animals and other lies

guess who talks to patients even though they can't talk back? becky. guess who makes up stories in her head about patients explaining why they do the things they do? becky. guess who judges owners of animals in her care, usually giving them the benefit of the doubt but still, probably, judging nonetheless? becky again. guess who talks to her own dogs even though they can't talk back? becky. guess whose dog will come barreling towards your face if you smile at her? becky's. yep. my dog is strangely in tune with human facial features and even smiles herself. one day. i will get a picture. some day.

and that is why i'm going to tell you: things i say to animals that one could not say to human patients (unless one was one of those reeeeaally bitchy nurses that's mean to everyone because they've just "seen too much" and now have a heart that's as black as COAL. in that case, one might actually say these things to other human beings. i don't know. i'm not a doctor. that last sentence SEEMS like it might have something to do with all the other sentences, but really? it don't):

what a chubby tummy *pat, pat, pat* *jiggle, jiggle, jiggle*

i fucking hate your mommy! yes i do! yes i dooooo! your mommy is a huge pain in the ass and we all hate her! yes we dooo! but aren't you just a cute little poddley woodley? yes you are! (dog wiggles his butt the whole time while trying to lick)

your mom left and she will never come back because she doesn't love you anymore. in fact, she never loved you ever. she got you as a gift from her husband whom she doesn't even like. now she's stuck with you. and she's been buying you walmert* dog food in hopes you won't live very long. (this is to the dog who, through no fault of it's own, howls like a little girl when not in direct site of it's owners. huskies! i'm looking at YOU!)

why gotta be such a meanie pants? you are the meanest patient i've ever had. you're an asshole. ok. here we go again. would you like your michael jackson medications right now? you would? you're such a celebrity! *sinks to the ground, after one last hiss/spit* (ps cats get really hungry after propofol.)

(while shaving tummies for surgery) oops! sorry i nicked your nipple! you didn't need that anyway. let me just numb 'er up for ya. (hairiness has it's disadvantages)

oh my gosh golly gee wilikers! that is the worst *insert horrifying medical malady here* i have ever seen in my entire life! how are you still walking around? with your eyes open and everything? jesus! (gotta keep positive)

(brace yourself, this is sad) i'm sorry my lovely, but you need to go. you need to let go. it will be much better for you. i know your people can't let go but you can. (and then you stroke the head of a dying being who's suffering)

how in the world did you get diarrhea under your eye? you're disgusting. it's a good thing you're cute because you're disgusting. i turned around for one minute! diarrhea! under your eye!

may favorite is, while going into surgery with a anesthetized animal: you have a jiggly tummy! look at the jiggly! *squeee!* *makes tummy jiggle obscenely*

and then we all stop. and think. i wonder if this is what happens while MY personal tummy is in surgery?

*denotes intentional misspelling. otherwise, it could have bean* a typo. but really? i don't do typos ever because my name is becky and i know shit about shit. and also i spell words wrong all the time ON PURPOSE! so you just tell yourself this: becky is a genius who's SINGLE-HANDEDLY respelling the universe(s).