fuck you defensive driving! but also? thank you. but most importantly: fuck you to HELL!

did you know that you can take defensive driving if you live in texas, get a ticket and want it to mostly disappear? well, you can. well, maybe not YOU but i can because i live in texas and i haven't had another violation in 12 months! score! for my driving record? and my insurance? and here comes the huge but... BUTT! gah! this sucks so hard. for me. that's what matters, right?

wait, what? you don't know what defensive driving is? well, chuck didn't know either. keep in mind with what i'm about to say, that i DO NOT claim texas as my "home" it's just where i am at the moment. and please don't come and kill me, kthxbai. anywho,

wrong button. crap i suck... come back in a moment... gah!

ANYwho, seriously! why do i always publish before i'm ready? does anyone else DO THIS! jesus christ! goddammit! THIS IS THE REASON THAT DEFENSIVE DRIVING CAN EAT ME!

seriously... i'm fixing it.

here we go again. ANYWHOOOO! in the great state of tejas. we have a little something called defensive driving (mentioned above) and if you grew up in say... where chuck grew up, you may be under the impression that one can go to the "court" and "talk with" "someone" that you might classify as a "judge" who "judges people." and YOU WOULD BE WRONG. however, if you were chuck and you nagged and nagged and nagged your loverly girlfriend because "my name is chuck and i was in the car and i know you stopped at that stop sign, babe. what can it hurt? why don't you just go in to court and see if you can use your boobs to get the judge to let you off? and then when you get home we'll have steamy, judge-defying sex all over the couch!" three days later and lots of meaningful looks...

"FINE! I'LL GO! BUT ONLY FOR THE COUCH SEX!"

so i went. i fucking went. i took an entire afternoon off of working at work. because, as chuck said just saturday night, i'll have you know i have it on tape and i made him sign a notarized paper, that i was and i quote, "the best girlfriend ever!" fuck yeah.

i even did research! on twitter! before i went! i like to come prepared. well, mostly malnurturedsnay said some things about when he went to court. but he's not in texas either. so really, it was all for naught. but at the time it made me feel better.

there i was, waaaaaiting at the court. reading harry potter because i was getting ready for the movie release. i always like to come prepared to movies and to court dates. because i like to annoy the shit out of the people who i'm seeing movies about books that i've read with because there's soooo many problems with the movie in comparison to the book. oh, and! did you even see where the actor who plays malfoy said he was the "death eater's chosen one?" i mean for the love-a! he's not the chosen one! his whole motherfucking family are motherfucking on voldemort's motherfucking bad side. he's trying to motherfucking stay alive! did you not even read the motherfucking book you malfoy playing actor who DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING???? ABOUT ANYTHING!

and the teen court gets out. there's a lot of teens in there. i wonder what they did? those bastard teens. taking up all the court's time. bastards. then the grown-ups (me included) are called into the court. the short and or squat judge-helper.... hmmmm, oh! baliff! came in and said her dikey spiel where she said that if we had guns we should give them to her and to take off our hats. ma'am? i don't even have a hat! should i leave?

the judge comes in. we, "all rise." and then all sit. i'm thinking i'll be able to get some ideas about how to best angle my boobs so that the judge is blinded and forgets why i'm there and says, "they gave you a ticket? that's the most horrible miscarriage of justice i've seen in my many judgey years. did he even SEE YOUR BOOBS?" this scenario? did not play itself out. in all truthfulness, i had like a whole presentation. i had charts. i had witness statements. i was prepared, goddammit.

i was the second shmuck to head to the scary table at the front. and the first person, HAD! A! LAWYER! fuck! i got up there. shaking like a little girl. and i said, "um." and then the judge said, "i am a judge and everything i say sounds like it might be in a language that doesn't even exist and also? i forgot my glasses so i can't even see your boobies, miss." and i said, "oh. defensive driving?"

turns out? texas? yeah. not worth it. you can get a lawyer and go to a SECOND hearing to see "if" the judge might listen to you and if that doesn't work, you'll go to jurry trial where you loose your right to dd and oh, by the way they can also tell you, you can't do the dd at the second hearing. so really? just bend over and take texas' huge sweaty penis in one of your hidey holes.

that brings us to this very day, my day off! and here i sit, madly writing a post because i accidentally posted because i was trying to do my online dd course while blogging which, probably not a great idea but it's SO! BORING! and i always get all the answers right even if i don't pay attention because i'm just that smart or this program is just that dumb. probably the second one.

if you need the answers, don't come to me! because they said in the very beginning in the 5 minute and 40 second video, something about you can't give other people answers. but then they said. later. that we should, "share this information with our friends AND family!" so, really. i don't know what's going on. but i do know that suspenders on a hefty man are the hottest thing i've ever, ever seen. rooooawr.

and that's the time that becky posted her post without being done with her post because she's obviously a moe-ron. oh. and went to driving school. but mostly the first part. she's really upset about that. i don't know if she'll ever be the same.


UPDATE: because i'm so very self conscious about this post and the very firstest person said she didn't understand anything i said (what else is new, amiright?): well, first of all: texas=crazy. that sums it up, but defensive driving is where you take a course, about, wait for it, driving! (she probably got that part) and it has to be 6 hours and it has to be excruciatingly boring and horrid. and then your ticket is dismissed and i think that's it. texas doesn't have "points." or whatever.