eHow to swear

...like becky. jeepers. i don't know what sort of projection people see of me (see this for extra contextual beckification) on this blog. i also know that i swear like a swearer on here. and, while, when i get drunk or mad or silly, i will whip out my penis big girl words, (i hate to ruin my badass captain roberts image) i don't really swear that much in every day life.


when i was little my mother would say, "SHHHHHugARRRrrrr!" (sugar) really loudly. i always wondered why and when i found out what it was substituting for i would always say, "don't you mean shit, mom? it's shit, right?" and she would say, "becky!" the other one she used was "jeepers!" and recently, i don't even know what precipitated the event, i started using it too. hold me.


in middle school, i was edgy, we were introduced to the penis in science. PENIS! and i knew what a powerful word it was, for everyone had a reaction to PENIS! so i would say to my mom, "PENIS!" and she would act suitably shocked. until i started using it every day. every. single. day.


i would call her a, "PENIShead!" when she crossed me. i would say, "you're such a PENIShead!!!!" i told my friends about my new found powerful word. they were like, "nuh, uh..." in hushed, smiley words, "you do not say that to your mother." i proved it to them by yelling PENIS! really loudly when the bell rang and lunch caused mass middle school chaos. "PENIS!" i yelled, to be heard over giggling and scraping of chairs. magical.


i said PENIS a lot in those days but never to my father. he never got in on the fun. he was too... inflexible to see the PENIS! related humor in life. i think his head is too small for such high quality humor. you see, i have a huge freaking head. so does the mother and my brother. what does this have to do with anything? one time, i tried on my father's hat while he was a little tipsy during a work party at our house, it was woefully small. i said something like, "this doesn't fit, i think it's because you're a pinhead!" his face went from tipsy to angry and said, "WHAT did you say???!" i think he thought i said, dickhead. no appreciation for dick humor, that man.


these days when i'm home i call chuck stupid head or buttface or sneegle bear. and i say jeepers a lot. it's to the point where chuck will say jeepers as well. to annoy me. that. poopoohead! he'll say, "JEEPerrrs!" and i'll say, "you're not allowed to say that! that's mine. and my mom's!" he abuses the power of jeepers.


i'm not saying i don't swear. i'm not saying i won't throw in a flippant, "fuck if i know." i'm not saying you shouldn't swear. however, i do like to reserve some of the sweary power for when i need it. for example, "jesus christ candi! why would you poop on the fucking floor? the outside, even though i'm aware of the fucking rain! is where we poop. well you guys. you guys poop out there! don't give me that look, candi! you know it, i know it even matilda knows- oh, christ! you TOO! matilda! we don't vomit on the, well ever. i'm selling you both on the street corner. to a californian. that's who eats dogs right?" then they know i'm not fooling around. they know they shouldn't just let loose on the fucking floor. they should hold it for the fucking grass.


and that's the time. that you found out. that becky's lame.