"sometimes we don't even speak to us!" -mr. hackle

disclaimer: i’m not trying to minimize anyone’s anything about weight or food or weight and food or the gym or anything. this is just me saying things about things that i feel and that annoy me and whatever.


as you may or may not know, (ps this is my favorite way to start sentences) i am not little. mylittlebecky is not, in fact (ps second most favoritest phrase to use in a sentence), home to some sort of small, petite, tiny, spindly wizard behind the proverbial curtain. i am like a million feet tall and i have to most hugest feets you will ever see outside a locke room that houses really tall guys who's shoe size miiiight be slightly bigger than mine. seriously. big feet.

ok, they're size eleven. women's.

and i know you're all gonna say, "ooooh, my! my feet are miniscule and it's so hard to find shoes and i feel your pain!" but let me say right now, unless your shoe size is higher than, let's say a ten, please don't come to me and say anything about anything. because you shut your mouth when you're talking to me about feet. unless you're paris whoreton whose feet, as i was informed by a shoe sales lady, are a size eleven too! to which i replied, "squeeeeee! are you seriously serious? NO! WAY! seriously? HOW COOL IS THAT? my enormous feet almost feel normal because that whorebag is the epitome of fucking fashion!"

actually i didn't. because i'm not a shithead.

when i was ten years old. dramatic pause and deep breath. i was wearing a size ten WOMEN'S SHOE! and no, they don't have ten year old shoes in a size ten. and yes, i was an ell shaped ten year old. i had to go to the women's section and it was almost the death of me.

but this post isn't about shoes, becky. it's not about your hideous addiction to shoes. it's not even about the fact that your obsession with shoes isn't creepy at all, it's just adorable and cute. it's not. this post is about you, becky and the fact that you are not, in fact little. mylittlebecky is a play on mylittlepony and that is all.

i am tall and i have big boobies and i blow up like a balloon on any food that has gluten in it at all. that's why, when i started eating only vegetables and fruits and meats, i am a skinny becky. and not because i eat like a weirdo because it's going back to basics. let me tell you, i don't eat some sort of small portions either. if there's one thing i hate are people being weirdoes about food.

my aunt has always been a chubster. she hated this fact, she even went and lost it all when i was a teenager. she became an absolute crazy pants. she was mean, she was snappy and she looked weird. she looked unnatural. she looked like someone who had lost a lot of weight and then got all "i'm better than everyone else" on the world. i hate that! she gained it all back.

not to be daunted, years later, she got that lapband dealio. this time she lost weight differently. she ate food like it might try to strangle her at any moment. she cut up aaaaall her food into weird piles and then moved them around her plate in weird piles while being weird, weirdly. i didn't get it because, of course, in my family full of secret secrets we don't talk about secret things. i asked my mother, "why is mary being a weirdo about food again?" she told me about the lapband. and that we were not to talk about it ever with anyone else because my aunt didn't want anyone to know.

why is food shameful? why are our bodies constantly being evaluated? why is food such a "thing?"

no. i don't want to talk to you about your diet. no! i do NOT want to talk you about my "diet." it's called being allergic to everything. no, i don't want to talk about how fat you are. no, i don't want to talk about how much you need to go to the gym, want to go to the gym or you don't go to the gym. if i eat a salad? it's because i fucking enjoy salads and alotta times, they don't have gluten in them. i don't care. unless you're sitting on top of me and your weight affects my breathing i don't want to talk about your weight or my weight or even your weight in high school. my ideal weight is waaaaaaaaaaay suuuuuuuuper different from someone who's 5 feet tall. i'm thisclose to six feet and i am not ever (knock on wood) going to weigh what you weigh at 5 feet tall. plus, i don't know if i mentioned this. i have rather large tatas. that's like 20lbs right there (ps they're not really 20lbs). people have such a skewed view of weight and how much you "should" weigh.

all i care about is how i look and if i still fit into my clothes. that's all. and no i don't care if you fit into your clothes. i do not care what you look like. at all. and guess what? i could be a fucking skeleton and i would never, ever fit into a size two. Never. everyone's got this crazy obsession with sizes. if only i were a size whatever. who? the fuck? cares? mabes worry about the fact you look like a coked out whorebag instead?

one thing my kids will never be exposed to by me is weirdness about food. food is good. food is necessary. i like food. i like to eat food. my kid will never be told you've eaten too little or you've eaten too much. i hate encountering little kids with food issues. i'm not talking about a kid who's allergic to peanuts, i'm talking about a kid who talks like a weird adult talks about food.

my father was a huge influence in my life about food. he would come to the family dinner table to monitor food. you're taking too much, oh, wait! that's too much cheese, why don't you eat more of that and less of that, you have to finish that before you can leave. you know what i did? i didn't eat in front of him. eating was always something i did in my room so he couldn't see what i was eating. that is weeeeird. during high school i thought i was some horrid beast. but i really wasn't, i was a normal weight.

my father once told me to take my hand and bend it all the way backwards, palm down. so my fingers were in the air and my palm was on the table. he said, "you see that? you see those little dips there? that means you're fat." i was ashamed of my hands for years. what a weird gauge of fatness and a weird little part of my body to be ashamed of. i would focus on other's hands and evaluate their "fatness." most of them were normal, some skinny, some fat. just like the general effing population. i've seen some really super large people with skinny boney hands and little spindly fingers. my hands are the first line of defense when i have an allergic reaction. they swell. they also swell for lesser offenses. they sometimes swell when a particular cat i'm allergic to walks in the clinic. they're probably swelling as i type this just to be bastards. and they're not fat. they're weird but they're not fat.

stupid television shows about losing weight make me insane. fat is bad. oil is bad. let me tell you, when they talk about food, they talk about it as if it were all the food's fault. there's something different about YOU! not the food. what's wrong with you? are you allergic to something? do you eat only one meal a day? are your genes different than your friend sally's? you don't have to be a weirdo about it. you can be a "normal person." you don't have to only eat celerey or something. you can eat food. furthermore, SUBWAY IS NOT FUCKING DIET FOOD! fucking subway is the fucking devil. *coughjaredcough*

cheese is bad. what? i could eat cheese all day long and waste the eff away. cheese is like my slimfast. i fucking hate calorie counting. fucking calories are retarded. people say, "it's simple. calories in and calories burned." or whatever. it just doesn't work for me. at all. at fucking all. it just doesn't compute. and no i don't want to fucking talk about it.

if you want to know a good sugar free, gluten free chocolate? i got you covered. if you want to talk about a good recipe for coconut curry soup? let's do it. but if you want to talk about how you haven't eaten anything since last night when all you had was an apple? i will stab your eyes right out. i don't care.

it's like we're all talking about how food is weird and our bodies are weird and we have to do this that or the other thing before after or during WHATEVER to do something about how we're unhappy with WHATEVER just do it or don't do it. and if you DO eat a double chocolate sunday on top of cheesecake with whipped fucking cream, DO NOT tell me you feel guilty! either eat it or don't eat it. it tastes bad if you talk about all the guilt or treadmills you'll have to work it off. and i wanna enjoy my ice cream.

christ. i like food. i like eating food. i like going to restaurants and trying foods from other cultures. trying new things. making new things. i feel like food should be just something that happens every day not something that is all consuming. i got shit to do, bitches. i guess trying to find things that truly are gluten free is so frickin hard that normal people talking about food all the frickin time about "bad" and "good" and blabbity blah blah makes me homicidal.

and that's the time. becky talked about food, weight and her enormous feet. and now everyone hates her.

QUICK! look at this cute picture of the dogs. matilda is frickin the cutest dog ever.