then i get really spacey. like ... .... ... staring at a soda can... ... ... oh what's that? a patch of carpet... ... ... ... a rouge tile that needs to be stared down ... ... ... i'm so good at staring bastard tiles down ... ... ... they think about what they've done to deserve a good stare down. ... .... ...
and then i get really nauseous. my saliva is EPIC! it just never stops. my face gets all squinty and i might be known to yell at small dogs who do horrible, horrible things that make me yell at them. and then i get all sad for no reason whatsoever.
i tell chuck about my woeful woes:
c: shit storm?
b: chuck! i'm sick.
c: [said in deeper voice] shiiiiit storm?
b: fine, yes. here, about 10 minutes ago and AT WORK! it was awful. [insert eeyore sound here. does eeyore make sounds?]
then we went to the grocery store where i was trying not to fall over while swallowing a hella amount of saliva. oh, didn't i mention i can't really walk that well after eating the big g? i can walk, but i walk into things a lot and i sway if i try to stand still. it's called gluten ataxia. it's aaawesome! on the car ride home, this happened:
c: can't they just remove your stomach?
b: yeah, they can! can i have yours? [i was thinking about face off where they switch faces but stomachs instead. even though i've never seen face off. i'm really not fussed about it. because i bet it was a bad movie. i just bet.]
c: sure!
b: you wanna switch?
c: nah, i'll just have them attach my neck parts to my anus. i could re-use food.
b: [as the brilliant plan dawns on becky...] it would all just come out whole. you could do tricks! you could be like, [in charlie's kitten mittens voice] "watch him eat this hot dog and seeeee what happens!" it would be like...
becky poo grunts, eeeeuuuurgh
chuck: [continuing poo grunt] uurgh- BALLPARK! [makes silly, proud of himself face]
and that's the time we almost had a new dinner party trick. not performed by matilda.
*which reminds me of this one time my friend, dan, took a puppy, that was having explosive diarrhea, up to a client in the lobby. he came back to the treatment area and said, "oh, man i just took that puppy up there and just as i was giving it to the owner? the puppy? EXPLODED!" he meant diarrhea but i was thinking more along the lines of bombed puppy with puppy insides everywhere and i burst out laughing because i'm going to hell! TO HELL!
you can blame this altogether to much information on the lovely and talented lilu. read some other biz here (where they aaaaall are for you! from the lilu)
UPDATE: the picture up top? too gross? for tmit? mabes a little.
13 comments:
Yeah, I learned a lot too...not to be standing next to you when you're eating gluten.... ;O)
I wonder if I'm a member, moderator, or guest. Well, I always have a great time here. Sure did learn a lot (about gluten and poo problems). Poor Becky!
i'm scared to click on marvin's "link" i'll probably uh-splode... i could delete the comment but then the context will be lost! i'm deleting it.
marvin, the first commenter said:
"Hello members, moderators and guests! I am new here. I think forward of having a great time here. I am an accountant and like to share some ideas with you that hope it will you in the future. I'm glad that i found this blog and learned a lot."
and then he said:
"porta john rental" (which was a link that, if clicked on, will give you anal warts. i assume)
That sounds awful! Although I sometimes think I have a gluten problem...but I think it's more of an onion/garlic problem. Not pretty. Happy TMI!
Ew. I am allergic to casein and ugly things happen near my butthole on a regular basis because sometimes I just can't resist butter and cheese. :( Fatkidfailure.
Never feed Becky gluten, NOTED.
I am allergic to life. Try that sometime. Ok not really. I'm allergic to stupid people though. They make me swear. Stupid people and.....snow. OK i'm not allergic to snow, but I do hate it with a fiery passion. Which is unfortunate living up north and all.
That Marvin! What a card.
You poor thing! But at least Chuck is....understanding.
Ah thats shitty! hehe. This happens when I eat dairy. Which I love...
Aw that would be cute if you sewed your neck parts to your anus, you'd be like a life-sized My Little Becky poopsalot doll, or Becky Wetsalot. Just put the food in and 1.3 seconds later it comes shooting out the back end. Aw, I want a My Little Becky Poopsalot Doll for Christmas, Mom! I WANT I WANT I WANT!!!
Exploding puppies should not be nearly as hilarious as the image you placed into my mind.
I have the poo explosion problems, too, but only if I eat way too much meat and grease.
It was a horrible movie.
This was hilarious... and it was a pretty bad flic.
helen! well, it's mostly behind (twss)
hc- you're the BEST is what you are :)
marvin- you, sir are a dirty poophead.
nikki- oh it is super awful. it took me forEVER to figure out.
taylork- our poor buttholes. i've scared myself too much with the other symptoms to be tempted by gluten. i can dear with diarrhea, i can't deal with brain lesions.
veggers- this made me laugh because i imagined all my age related comments previously and i just thought of smuk's nanna saying "i'm a hundred and TWO! try that on for size! whipper snapper!" in other news, sorry about snow.
owo- i know, right? chuck is such a credit to the chuck species. i don't know what i'd do without him: eat ice cream in bed is what i'd do. that man and his "rules."
cj- i would kill myself now if i was allergic to dairy. the world is nothing without it.
smuk- done and done! i also cry. and pee. and i'm just a general pain in the ass while spewing bodily fluids on your couch. *happy clap!*
tIm- they are so funny. that sounds like really bad.
rep- i KNEW it!
mimi- why thank you.
Post a Comment