reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelationships (isn't it cute how she always misspells things?)(no, it's not. i hate it)

this all started because my work friend, jessi, met chuck. after she met chuck she said one sentence that absolutely sliced right to my soul. she said, "wow. that is not how i pictured your boyfriend." laughing and genuinely amused, i said, "oh, really? how did you picture him, dear?"

"i don't know," she said, completely focused on the task at hand, unaware that i was now really interested in her answer, trying to imagine who she would match me with instead of my chuck. "yeah, i always thought chuck would be some sort of rock star," she continued. now, i will fully admit, as her "i" ending name implies, jessi is a bit of a sillyhead.* is that the politically correct word for ditz? bimbo? sillyhead? however, for some reason i was shooken** to the core. it didn't end there, "i thought he would have had tattoos and scruffy black hair and an earing."

*i'm sorry if you're a smart i ending name person.

**yes, i know. but i think it's funny.

dudes, this is exactly the man i had always imagined myself with as well. ex. act. lee. and here's chuck, all not that. ya know? and i had like this moment of panic. i was thinking maybe should go find a rock star. a scruffy, arm band wearing, gitboxin' man. what if my destiny lay elsewhere. could i dye chuck's hair black?????

and then i remembered: chuck makes me laugh. chuck is a great person. chuck makes me laugh, like all the time. we have problems, fo sho, but some advice i've always lived by helps me remember what's important. all relationships have bleck. every single person's going to do something that's going to annoy you. some are going to push your nipple into your boob because he thinks it's funny. even though you've told him over and over and over and over and over that IT HURTS!!! but the next guy's gonna slap your ass so hard that you think your spine might pop out of your mouth. or he's gonna use twenty nine dishes every time he even gets close to the kitchen and never unload the dishwasher. or he'll try to burp in your nose while holding you down. .... the boys i've dated are gross assholes, eh?

the reason i know that chuck's my chuck and not someone else's chuck? one time we saw an elephant with an erection. sometimes i'll say, "member that time we saw that elephant with an erection?" with a smile on my face and we'll both look far off in the distance, where elephants always have erections. well the thing is, when we saw that elephant with an erection, we immediately looked at each other with barely contained glee because a large pachyderm with an erection is an hilarious situation to be in regardless.

this elephant was truly a star. it treated all the zoo patrons to an erection show. the elephant kicked his erection. with his foot. he kicked his penis with his rear foot. to make it go away? to masturbate? i'll never know, but viewing an elephant kicking his huge elephant penis, is a bonding event. fort worth zoo, a star is born.

my relationship advice for the day: go to the zoo. see how you guys do with animal erections. it's a good test. orrrr, what would happen in this situation? you get to work, you work, you go to the bathroom a few hours later, in the mirror you notice a crusty white spot on your forehead, you wonder what that white crusty spot on your forehead could be? you have a sneaking suspicion what it could be. you tell chuck later and he laughs because he's a gross asshole. but, however, really? it's your fault you didn't check your face for leftover semen in all seriousness, right?

best elephant erection to semen on the forehead segue EVERRRRR!

ps happy st paddy's! irish people! woo! drinking! woo! i changed my header! woo!

pps i didn't really have semen on my forehead

ppps maybe

UPDATE: it was morning sex.

UPDATE: i'm not dirty.

UPDOG: nothing, what's up with you?