winner, winner chicken's for dinner.

i actually did have chicken for dinner. true story. winners are for winners and that's why boobs secret girlfriend catsex other words otherwordlyone has one won. she's the winniest. i'm glad she won because *breaking news* we've been secretly dating, secretly and we make out on twitter regularly.


and on that note, because she did it, imma do it: repost, bitches! this one had no comments (sadface) so make it feel better about itself because right now, this post is contemplating posticide. it already has the pills and a huge bottle of vodka, talk it off the ledge dear lovely, lovers!

i have never heard the word cock so much in my life!
by mypastbecky


chuck and i attended a NRA basic pistol class on saturday. i live in texas, ok people? and! my apartments so nicely passed out a "memo" about a "suspect" who has been breaking into apartments while their owners were asleep and at home and "stealing stuff*." um, yikes!

we had "bud" and tom as our instructors. bud was, as you might expect from a sixtyish man who allows himself be called "bud," a bit of a goober. he was wearing a maroon turtle neck and had erect (!) nipples like the entire class. he found himself to be hilarious and i think might be madly in love with charlie heston. he actually said, "non-gun people" like they were muggles or something. "we wouldn't want any non-gun people to get the wrong impression." tom, equally hilarious but more reserved said at one point, with a straight face, these exact words (i took notes), "sometimes they dress-up in period costumes and shoot their single action pistols." see? notes! about guns! aaah men in costume. sexy. i also find it funny that if you say period costume that's ok, but if you were to say just costume, that would be quickly corrected. just like with football outfits uniforms.

first of all, let's get this out of the way. i have excellent gaydar. larry was hilarious. he sat next to chuck. he was an older gentleman (probably like fiftyish) who asked silly questions and actually clapped and said "yay!" when we got the right answer. he apparently already has his chl and apparently he knows almost nothing about guns (scary! bet you didn't know that could happen). but he was entertaining to say the least. he would, periodically, repeat whatever the instructor said back to them and then say, "right?" or he would slightly re-explain things and give blatant compliments like, "you know that's a great way to think about that, i never would have thought of it in that way if you hadn't said just that. thank you!" (imagine "thank you!" in the happy texan accent of a refined debutante).

the best thing about him was that he was always asking about "other guns." the instructor kept explaining that guns are usually slightly different depending on make, model, etc. so larry says, "the reason i keep asking about other guns is, what if i'm in a firefight and pick up somebody else's gun? i want to be able to know how to operate it!" where does this man live? firefight? i can only assume that larry was joshin' us a little.

i could tell, every time chuck asked a question he wanted to preface it with, "so, like in call of duty..." i could just tell. it made me smile. then i started asking him under my breath, "like in call of duty?" (why would anyone want to call doody? hee, hee, doody.) we did have fun although probably learned more from my dad at the range a few weeks ago.

things that were said during the class that could be construed to be sexual:

• cock
• de-cock
• half cocked
• cocked
• trigger (you know)
• bang
• go bang
• position
• action
• double action
• single action (awww yeah!)

*quote not in "memo"

didn't like this one? well here are the runners uppers:
the one where you find out i snort when i laugh (it's actually super cute) (for reals)
sometimes you just have to show cops your boobs to get out of tickets (true story)
god, i'm so fucking funny. alternate title: i rule at "so's your face" (try me)