things you should know that i probably told you but you weren't listening. you should really listen to what i say. i got alotta good stuff up here.

i keep seeing things like, "why didn't anyone tell me it's always sunny in philadelphia is an awesome show?" or "hey this movie sucks? how come you didn't tell me?" well, guess what? i can't do all the goddamn work but here's a list of things you should know:

• 
  
  it's always sunny in philadelphia is fucking awesome. stop being an asshole and watch it.
• dexter? yes, but don't talk to anyone who has watched it because they will immediately ruin it and you will have to kill them but that's not going to help because what's been said has been said.
• californication? meh but worth it for fox mulder david duchovny
• flight of the conchords: seriously, if you haven't seen this show you might as well kill yourself right now. so. funny.
• kids in the hall: do it
• where the wild things are movie: NO
• new robin hood movie: do not go with chuck who will tell you russell crow looks like my dad and then you'll spend the whole movie wondering if he really does look like my dad or if it's just because he has a beard. and really, that's just distracting and not at all helpful, chuck.
• the wire: first of all, omar is mine. second, netflix this bitch right up
• birkram yoga: try it once. if only for the story. p.s. don't leave the room. just don't do it. stay. in. the. room.
• fennel: dude. best thing ever.
• papaya: dude, seriously. best thing ever.
• avacado? seriously? you haven't tried this? seriously? bestthingever
• twitter: you know what? just stop it and come on. i know you're being all, "i'm too cool for twitter" and everything, but seriously. i say alotta funny stuff on there, assholes. you missed this and this and this but not this.
• waterless shampoo: yes, it is real and you totally need to try it right now.
• this mascara: comes off really easily, doesn't flake and i love it. "double extend:" mascara or penis enhancement? we'll never know.
• tend skin: this is the single greatest thing to ever happen to my skin ever. my armpits have never been the same. i use it for deodorant as well. no whiteness, no grease, no weird flower smell that smells not like flowers at all. bikini line? smoothness.
• cloth handkerchiefs for the nose blowing. your nose will thank you.
• cloth period pads: omg. i feel the eyerolls and the that's-just-gross laser beam looks. it's. so. much. better.
• the fucking CUP you guys. jesus. just fucking do it!
• coconut water: yum and delicious and potassium and yes.
• polarized sunglasses: or any sunglasses. do it for your eyes. dark and polarized are the best. i like to see and i would like to continue doing it. hee, hee, doing it.
• grill wok: best thing to ever happen to my grilling life. love. it.

• cupping: i was just in a small car crash-a-rooni and it messed up my back, i went to get a massage with cupping and i am still alive and my neck is still all move-y. score! and then your back looks like this!
• stop washing yer damn hair all the damn time. i mean it. i also use non-sulfate shampoo because it doesn't strip everything off your head. i love the burt's bees stuff because they have a few that are gluten free! highfive!
• good dog food: your dog only lives a short time (which is just bullshit) so feed it something good with high quality ingredients. i feed EVO currently but everything changes so quickly these days that you really have to keep up with suppliers, etc. no food from china yet, kids they just can't be trusted. if melamine can get into baby formula then i'm not willing to let my guard down yet.
• jimmyjane form 2: yes! yes! YES! YES! yesssssss.... (get it, because it's a vibrator? i know!) 

 and now you know some of the things i know that you should know and do. like, for real, if you don't do these things then you're just being silly and stubborn. c'mon. do you have anything else you'd like to ask me? clearly, i'm a fracking prophet.