guess which one's me
he's a shorter guy (short=shorter than me= 5'11"), i would guess in his twenties, wears glasses, a simply atrocious haircut and strikes me very much as a mama's boy. side note: chuck is a mama's boy but his mama is super cool so we'll say it's cute because it mostly is cute. he talks in an artificially deep voice and is always, always very proper.
chuck and i see him as we enter the store and chuck always says, "there's your guy..." i smirk, preferring to think of him as "our guy" and we continue with our shopping. when we finish arguing about very important things like mustard and cuts of meat, we'll head back up front to check-out. when i shop by myself, the very creepy manager always manages to find me in the aisles to ask if i've found "everything ok?" to which i answer, "yes," or "i'm fine," or "please go away, i have mace." furthermore, i swear to GOD, male grocery store workers, if i have to walk through the produce section and answer the "how are you" question from every employee present, i may have to stop eating altogether. i'm nothing if not high maintenance and bitchy today.
i steer our cart towards THE checkout line and chuck hisses under his breath to go to the self check-out but it's too late, he's spotted a potential client and ushers us forcibly into his line. besides, do we really want to be the people at self check-out with one million things in our cart? granted, it's 10 at night but still. as our cart destiny is ripped from our hands, i silently thank the check-out line gods that we are lucky enough to partake in the cashier experience of a lifetime.
"how are you this evening, mr. uhhhhh...?" asks our gentlemanly host. "it's johnson," replies chuck. "well, mr and mrs johnson, how are we enjoying our night?" he continues in this manner until we've awkwardly made our way through a cart worth of small talk. he's "not doing anything this weekend," we're "maybe going swimming" or "perhaps viewing a movie." he's giving us suggestions on various cuts of meat, becky's trying very hard not to laugh. the best part is when our host says something nearly unintelligible and chuck says, "what's that?" i don't know exactly why, but chuck saying "what's that?" in his polite, higher than normal voice whilst raising his eyebrows and tilting his head sincerely, never fails to make me stifle giggles.
he finishes scanning the merch and always asks if he can "find someone to help you out with that." we always reply, "no thanks, we've got it. thanks!" "you have yourselves a great night, mr and mrs johnson," he says, making his concentratey face and angling his chin to his neck in order make his voice sound deeper, and he sends us on our way.
there's something comforting about the grocery store guy. i don't think i've ever been in that store without seeing him. when i'm by myself, i have to steer the cart from a different direction to get to the self check out because i'm a veritable wiz at scanning. i do listen to him as i check out in the other lane. he's pretty much hilarious with every patron but i feel as if the interaction between chuck and grocery store guy is special. i should really find out his name.
as we exit the building my suppressed laughter starts bubbling to the surface and chuck says, "what? ... what?" several times before i can master myself enough to say, "that guy. he's just. he's just, great."
13 comments:
i SO had one of those in california! he was the best. the creepiest, and the best. though i never could get ross to play along. chuck? is a keeper. and, you know, i *obviously* know these things. uh huh.
I love it! There's an old man who takes tickets at the movie theater in my (now former) town. He's so polite and kind of flirty. I love it when he's there.
UGH, small talk!
god, even the phrase "small talk" sounds seriously lame. though i guess it's better than "big speak" which would probably amount to a lot of yelling. that's pretty lame too.
I laughed just reading this because I find such scenarios HEEEEELARIOUS also. I think I'm a fine observer of people and their foibles. It's funny. But mostly other people don't seem to see it which makes it even funnier to me. But I hate small talk in general. Having to come up with answers for strangers makes me want to make some serious shit up. I can't control it. It's like they're asking for it.
The concentratey face, angling his chin to his neck to make his voice sound deeper...I love that description, and I had to act it out on my own face because I love it so.
It's probably not the same thing but I once shopped weekly at a Cali Foods in SF with a fat, jolly butcher with a twinkle in his eye. It's like he was your own meat Santa. I liked that dued.
The puppies pushing the vegetable cart don't look too concentratey.
At the Starbucks near my building, they have a cashier guy that looks identical to 'Ricky' in the film 'Better Off Dead'. Glasses, hunched over shoulders, round face... I muttered 'Chrisss-masss' to some coworkers who were thoroughly amused, I tell you.
Maybe I'll try to take a covert picture?
Our cashiers are not that nice. I'll trade you. Does Chuck cock his head like a dog when he listens? Does he do it to other high pitched noises too? You should get that checked out.
I hate when people bug me when I'm grocery shopping. I know they're not that excited to help me pick out tomatoes.
Ahh this really made me miss my old grocer... I went to him for two years and he made me feel like home! He never judged me for the copious amounts of cheese I got either!
I think there's one of those in every grocery store. Except for Wal-Mart. That soul sucking hole doesn't count.
I really liked this post.
*waves* Hi, BGF!
I think when they ask you how you are, its an excuse to see if your headlights are on.
it is always freakishly cold in the grocery store! pervs!
hahaha "What's that?"
I could totally picture what I think Chuck looks like saying that. Awesome.
p.s. are you really six feet tall? Cuz that's like, really tall. For a chick.
I always shop at this huge grocery near my house and thank goodness none of the clerks remember me even if I am there almost everyday. Maybe they are too busy to care?
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