i will get back to the wedding posts, there will be pictures, i super promise but i've been de-railed and this is all i can think about.
my niece was sexually assaulted in a high school corridor. i feel so helpless and i don't know what to do. i don't want to step on the toes of her mother or her grandmother or her step-father but i feel like they're handling it all wrong. everything is wrong.
here's what happened: a male, who also goes to the same high school, came up to her and grabbed her breast and stuck his hand down her pants. that's sexual assault and if he had punched her in the face, he would have been expelled, but as it stands right now, the school is "looking into it" and "seeing if they need to involve the police." according to third hand information, this person has done something similar in the past to another girl as well.
everyone is dragging their feet. there has been some talk of the fact that they're friends and that maybe she wasn't so innocent in all of this, she might have "done something to make it happen." she has even said that she still wants to be friends with this person and so they shouldn't make a big deal of it, now days after the fact and after no obvious action has been taken by anybody. i can feel that the longer this drags out, everyone involved will be talked into giving themselves permission to let it drop. her family, her support group, is letting go of it. it's already happening despite what chuck or i say.
it's causing me a great deal of pain and i just don't know what to do. i want to start kicking asses but i can't. i want to make her school see what they've done is wrong, but i can't. i want to be her super cool aunt, but i can't. the only way i can think to do anything is to write her an email, hope her mother doesn't see it and get offended, hope she responds and takes me at my word that i won't be a spy or judge her or make her do anything. i want to help, i want to make it right, i want to tell her that she's not alone and that i would do anything for her. i want her to know that she might be feeling like it would be better for this to all go away but that she needs to talk to someone at the very least. she needs to protect herself. she needs to rebuild the part of her that's been damaged. i want to tell her, no matter what she said, did, or wore, if she didn't give him permission to touch her, he was wrong. he was wrong.
her support group, by their inaction, are saying things to her on a loud speaker. maybe she did deserve this. maybe she should be friends with him. maybe, the next time something like this happens, she shouldn't say anything at all. maybe.
when i was molested at a young age, i told absolutely nobody. i didn't even tell my mother until earlier this year. that's over twenty years of silence. i'm really impressed that she went home to tell her mother. i'm really proud that she was strong enough to do that. i don't want her to think that she was wrong. the latest thing i've heard is that maybe she only said something for the attention she's getting. again, my heart breaks into a million pieces. again and again and again.
i know, i can only say what i'd do and backseat drive this whole thing but i am dying for this kid. so, i need your help. i've sent her an email telling her if she ever, ever needs me i'm here, day or night but i feel like it's not enough, and i'm afraid i might get a phone call in the middle of the night but it will only be after something much worse has happened. what else should i do? i know that some of you are parents and some of you have been through similar things and i know you have great advice. what am i not seeing through my panic? i want to talk about it because nobody else wants to talk about it with me.
24 comments:
If one of my children came to me with a story like that, I would never, ever, ever imply it was his/her fault. If he/she wanted to still be friends with this person, we'd be signing up for counselling immediately. And maybe we'd do that either way.
That kid needs to be taken out of the school. My mother is a high school administrator. That kid would be expelled in her district. What is wrong with that school?!
You did the right thing sending the email. Even if she doesn't respond now, she knows that door is open. She knows she can trust you, she can rely on you, for whatever might be bugging her.
You're good peoples.
I really don't know what to tell you... that's frightening. I think the best thing you can do is let her know it was absolutely not her fault and that it was not okay and that she needs to talk to someone and make sure that she is okay. If you push too hard you might risk alienating her and/or her parents. Just be supportive, be whatever you need to be, and let her know you're there for her.
I'm absolutely FLOORED that the school doesn't see this as a problem. Even in my oft-back-ass-wards wee town, this would cause issues.
I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom. Are her parents the type to get all butt-hurt if you try to talk to them about it?:(
Oh, I'd speak up. You have a unique perspective in this, in that you can relate to both your niece and you're an adult. I'd speak up, but in a calm way. Inform your niece's mother about the further damage they are causing your niece by not doing anything. Remind them (respectfully) that their primary and sole concern should be your niece, not the offender.
Definitely. Speak up.
send her the email that you were planning on sending. if her mom finds out and is upset you can deal with it then, but if your neice thinks that incidents like this are ok, she could have something worse happen to her later on.
because you can relate to her situation i feel like you have all the more reason to say something!
reason 123,456,908 im glad i dont have kids. they arent even safe at school and id wind up in jail for murdering someone!
what a horrible thing for your family and for you, to bring up memories!
There shouldn't be any "looking into it", he should be at the very least suspended. FFS. Your niece is too young (don't know her age but if she's a teenager she's too young) to really, truly understand that if he was her "friend", he wouldn't do that to her. It's a sad thing but most girls are too naive to realize anything different. And if he's done this before, he's going to do it again. What an asshole.
I agree with Sarah and Jen. You let her know the door is open and she can talk to you, and that's a big deal. Talking to her parents and giving them your opinion can't hurt.
Even having a daughter of my own, it's hard to know how I would feel in that situation. My first reaction is, of course, to plot his disfigurement and take my shoelaces out before they haul my happy ass off to jail.
I'm sorry she's having to go through this...and that you had to as well.
If you were to post the perp's name and address anonymously somewhere, it would be a shame if something were to happen to him. I'm just saying.
That is total bs, they should put kids like that in prison schools for aholes.
Oh my. Would you be open to sharing what happened to you with your niece? Then maybe she could understand how damaging it can be to make it all go away. Someday she might wish justice was served.
This is absolutely not OK, and everyone's inaction on this is perpetuating a huge problem in our society -- we place blame on the victim and you are 100% correct: It doesn't matter what she did, what she wore, what she said - it's not an invitation to be violated. It's always wrong. I wish I could offer good advice on this but all I can think is that her parents need to know this needs to get dealt with properly, and immediately, so that their daughter receives a clear message about what is OK when it comes to her body, and people touching it.
My head absolutely spins reading this.
I can't think of anything more productive than finding that boy and kicking him in the nards. Hard. I know it's awful, but I'd do it.
Don't people realize that by sweeping this shit under the rug thats why it still happens?
Head. Spinning.
sp- *you're* good people! :) that the part that's KILLING me! how can her support group even let her think that she had anything to do with causing this to happen??? let alone implying it to other people. that's the first thing i would say, this is not your fault.
cb-thanks, i'm gonna just try to bug her enough in nice ways so she knows i'm there and really willing to talk.
tpb-i know they think it's a problem but i think they're taking every excuse to drag their feet. this needs swift action, i think.
jeno- i need to work up the courage to speak to her mother, chuck's been basically telling her everything i've said but, if after today, when the school said they'd do something and we get a better update, i will.
kristin- i sent her the email and she even responded, so i'm gonna try to keep the lines of communication open.
fizz- ugh, i know. it makes me hurty.
melissa- yes! suspended! bam! done! my sister was put on in-school suspension for wearing flip flops, for heaven's sake. he will SO do this again. makes me sick.
owo- at first i was super really angry with that kid and i still really, really am. he's going to continue down this path unless he's told over and over it's wrong but GAH! my heart is just breaking for her and what must be coursing through her head.
eric-in prison school, on an island, surrounded by man eating octopus. that way, they'd get yanked apart by suckers.
nikki- i would totally but i don't know that email's the best way to do it. i don't know. it's all so hard. i'm going to keep up emailing her and see what happens.
erin-i know. i'm just so torn up that her support aren't up in arms and freaking out. i want to drive 5 hours and shake them and hug her. ugh.
clo-you and me both, sister. i need to fix it.
You need to speak up, and not just for her, but for other girls too. He can't doing this. His behavior needs to be examined and he needs to be either punished or go into treatment.
And the "maybe she brought it on herself" stuff? Do they not hear themselves?
I don't say this to be harsh dude, but screw your relatives, you know how that girl must feel and you're her aunt, you have every right to put your foot down and say "I think you're all wrong!" If that kid has touched your niece and another girl too and nothing happens there's about a 100% chance he'll do it again to another girl and maybe he won't stop there. Give that kid some booze and a party and who knows what he'd do.
You're good people miss B.
When I read 'she might have "done something to make it happen"' I literally growled at the screen. Assholes.
I agree with Veggie, it doesn't matter WHAT your relatives think of you, you have to protect your niece. You have to make sure she knows it's not okay for that to happen, it's not fine, it's not right, it shouldn't happen, it's not her fault, and whoever says otherwise is WRONGWRONGWRONG.
What is wrong with her parents? What is wrong with her school? I could stab myself in the eye.
I'm so sorry this is happening to her and I'm so sorry it happened to you.
Dude, this is terrible, and you're right. It can easily just be hushed and forgotten. Pretty much the exact same thing happened to me in high school, and I was so afraid of the guy in question I never said anything. (He was older, was known for carrying weapons, etc.)
Still to this day sometimes it bothers me, although at the time I didn't realize it was really as wrong as it was.
The fact that she said something to her mom means she knows. And nobody is helping her! You're a good aunt. Don't let this get swept under the rug Becks.
i am stunned. if this were my kid, i would be at the school every effing day making sure that this didn't get dropped. no one EVER does anything to "make" this shit happen. that kid is a creep who needs to be put in his place. what he did is absolutely not ok. her telling someone was absolutely the right thing. what her parents and the school are doing is NOT ok. you being an advocate and support for her is also the right thing to do. i really hope that she reaches out to you, even if just to talk about what happened and how she's feeling. she needs someone on her side
See if there is a sexual abuse specific organization/counseling center in your/her area and give her the number/address to it. (that's a lot of slashes... sorry!) I don't know if she's old enough to get herself there and get counseling, but it's worth a try. Also, see if there are any help hotlines that deal with this kind of stuff. Even if her parents/support group aren't helping, there are other people who can. In short, you need to help her feel empowered to help herself. And definitely keep the door open for her to be able to talk to you if she wants to, and reaffirm that she did the right thing by telling her parents. If she thinks that it was not a good idea to tell, there is a very high chance she won't if it happens again.
It is high school - this is not as big of a deal as you are making it out to be.
I'm so behind so I apologize for the uhm... 10 days here... that I'm late. I feel for her. Clearly, this is not behavior that should be accepted at a school - regardless. That amazes me. And the fact she came home to TELL someone tells me she didn't purposefully instigate the level of what happened. If she had, she wouldn't have mentioned it, for fear of it being found out and getting in trouble.
Such a shame. I'm so sorry hun.
It's a touchy subject when you are dealing with a situation in which you care but the child and the issue aren't yours to deal with.
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, in this case you may create a hell for yourself if you insinuate yourself into this arena.
Also, having suffered abuse yourself you may not see this objectively and may feel that more justice needs to be taken.
Please try to read this without emotion to see the words for what they are, simple advice from someone on the internet.
oh sweetie, that IS sexual assault and he needs to be prosecuted. I was assaulted by my boyfriend when I was 16. he didn't rape me, but he held me down and threatened to. I never reported it because I thought it wouldn't count and that people would say I deserved it because I was his girlfriend. I wish someone had told me my rights and held my hand while I fought the bastard. it would have saved lots of therapy. I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I'd reach out to her personally and be a support and let her know you're there for her. *hugs*
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