this sounded better in my head.

i woke up recently, remembering a totally plausible and unexciting dream, with no multiple layers. this made me super angry at leonardo dicaprio. then i thought about how funny i am and who should i tell that i was angry at leonardo dicaprio for giving me false impressions about how real people dream. and then i told chuck and he was all, “wait, you dreamed your boss was being a douche? that’s news?” he didn’t laugh or anything.

i’m glad i have you. yes, you, there, in the hat? and you, the one with the boogers. and you, the one who tells the funniest stories. and YOU the one i always @ on twitter but you never @ back, stop that! @ me, god damn you! and you, the one who tells me my new hair cut is super cute even though it looks exactly the same. and you, the one who texts me texts about stuff. and even you, my creepy twitter friend with the wildly inappropriate DMs that i pretend i never got about my boobs (stop doing that). also, you, my gchat pal who always knows the answers to the questions. but mostly, all of you.

i can always count on internet to think i’m funny, to answer my emails, to tell me to stop calling my sister a whore, to call my sister an extra, super whore, to always be there. i think about the friends i have, the friends who have deleted me off facebook because they were “cleaning their feed” or because their husband feels uncomfortable with me or because we don’t work together anymore. these are real people who’ve looked in my eyes, told me secrets, kept some of mine. i know that life gets in the way and the internet isn’t perfect. i have way more internet friends than friends who i’ve been close enough to punch in face (that’s my new code for IRL) (sounds better, right?) which ups the odds of somebody responding to me, but my punch-in-the-face friends (PINFFs) never really “get” me.* i sometimes say things like, “yeah…. it was funny if you were there,” a lot while in conversation with PINFFs. or sometimes, i’ll just say things to myself like, “nobody gets your funny, becky but you are funny, don’t you worry.” *pats becky’s shoulder, reassuringly*

for instance, i told somebody to write down that i administered a medication UTB the other day and she actually wrote UTB on a chart which is marvelous but wholly pretend and totally misses the point, that UTB means up the butt (according to yours truly). she saw me give it rectally and yet, she still just wrote UTB and didn’t even laugh or anything. if you have to explain UTB to somebody it totally ruins the point unless they’re like, “UT- waaaaait a minute. what’s that? up the- what?” and then i would get to wear my mischievous smile while they were figuring it out. i love dusting off my mischievous smile. i’m doing it right now.

that’s why i love to give you presents and love getting presents from you. in that spirit, i received a gift from a becky who is the beckiest becky i’ve ever beckied and it lends itself to photography. therefore, i wanted to give all of you guys, my guyses, a few silly pictures that i know you’ll get. gettit?

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