This is my place to vent. So Im going to VENT to you about what happened to me the other day.
Sunday at 230 pm–I learned what it TRULY means to be a mom of 2.
A mom to two kids 2 and under.
**WARNING! If you are easily disgusted…stop here and DONT keep reading. Otherwise–continue on for a good laugh. And dont say I didnt warn you.
Sunday we spent the whole day as a family. We got up and headed to Rivergate to do some shopping for Halloween. We were planning on going to Ghouls at Grassmere at our zoo that night and Braxton needed a Halloween costume. So off to Halloween Express we went. At 10:30 am. By the way–on Sunday places dont open up that early. So what did we do?
Head to church? Oh no no no. We went to Toys R Us. FYI: Toys R Us with a two year old should NOT be allowed. Just saying.
Anyways after Toys R Us we went to Halloween Express, then off to Nashville to pick up our tickets to the zoo, then to Mount Juliet where we entered Target to get Braxton a bucket for all of his candy.
Target. OHHHHHHH TARGET. So about halfway through our Target run, I noticed both boys were stinky. I took them to the family bathroom to change diapers while Trey went to checkout. Heres how it went:
Struggle to get the cart into the family bathroom. Pick Braxton up and put him on the changing table. Open diaper bag and realize I have about 8 wipes. Pull diaper off and realize its a SHIT-SPLOSION. Fabulous. Use about 5 wipes trying to get him completely clean. Put him down with a death warning if he moves anywhere near the toilet. Pick Camden up who by this time is SCREAMING bloody murder. Lay Cam on changing table, pull back diaper, here it is–SHIT-SPLOSION NUMBER 2. Im talking poop coming out of the side of his diaper, out of the back of his diaper, and IN HIS BELLYBUTTON! Im sorry, someone PLEASE explain to me how a baby gets gross yellow poop in his belly button? I was gagging.
I have three wipes. Well, I blast through those and have to use wet paper towels on my poor sensitive baby’s bottom. At this point Im sure someone is going to call child services on me because my child is screaming so loud. I turn around to ask Braxton a question and realize he is elbow deep in TOILET WATER. Im pretty sure I yelled really loudly for him to get out of that toilet water or we were NOT going to the zoo. Needless to say he got out of the toilet pretty quickly. I get Camden all cleaned up. I lean down to grab his new diaper, stand back up and he PEES in my MOUTH. I wish I could tell you I made this up. I was THIS close to puking. I FINALLY get him in a new outfit, get myself and Braxton cleaned up, and once again struggle with the damn cart to get out the door.
Now, during all of this I was wondering where in the world my wonderful loving husband was. I come out of the bathroom and he is LEANING on the wall and hanging out as if NOTHING is going on. And when I ask why he didnt come help when he heard the screaming?
“It sounded like you had it under control.”
I could have gone to jail for murder.
There. I hope you enjoyed that little bit of humor. It isnt necessarily my finest mommy moment. BUT its a real moment. And if Im going to be honest with myself, Ive gotta post the shit-splosions too. Not just the cute and sweet stuff. I love those boys, but I hate their poop. Motherhood is GLAMOROUS, let me tell you.
Oh and let me add that when I called my mom to get some comfort she says:
WHAT?!?! As if poor Trey had to suffer during ANY of that. Thats why Trey always tells me my mom likes him more. Because she does. RUDE.