So this isn’t something I’m proud to discuss. The thing is that before I came to California, I couldn’t even tell you the last time I ate red meat, or even fast food because working from home greatly reduces any cravings for it and I’m pretty good at healthy grocery shopping.
However, California has this: Jack In The Box.
Yea man, Jack in the Box tacos. I don’t even want to talk about how many I’ve consumed in the past few weeks.
You see, when my Mom came to visit she saw the red sign and nearly flipped her shit. “Mandy, they have Jack in the Box here!!” she said as she went to grab her point-and-shoot for a photo of yet another amazing thing that Michigan doesn’t have. “Uh, yea?” I said, wondering why she cares about such a place when there is animal style In-N-Out to be had. “We HAVE to go there! We used to have them in Michigan and their tacos are the best!” Then we had a staredown until I was like “so, you wanna go get some tacos?”
So we drove on up to Jack in the Box. I ordered 2 tacos and a side of stuffed jalapenos. She ordered 2 tacos and a side of eggrolls because she is a very cultured lady. We chowed down, and… I can’t even — NO. I’m not even going to try and explain how I felt about these things. From then on out it was like I got a twitch. We’d be at the beach and a guy would yell “Hey, Jack!” to his friend and I’d instantly scream “SOGGY TACOS!!!”
She went back home and I tried to stop thinking about them, except it wouldn’t go away. One day I thought “psh, whatever, I’ll be bad for lunch today. After all I’m on pseudo-vacation, right?” (lies I tell myself). I ordered 2 tacos and some jalapenos, thinking I would tire my body of all the beef (is it really beef?) intake and go back to getting soup and half a sandwich at Panera. Nope… 3 days later I was at it again. I took a bit of a hiatus after that because I like torturing myself with pity over tacos, but you know what? I had Jack in the Box tacos for lunch everyday last week. And I don’t even care. Normally this behavior would warrant an investigation over my mental state and detailed examination of the guy I most recently dated and everything he said to me during the last 6 months to help come to a conclusion as to why I’m eating my feelings, but I am ok with what I’m doing to myself right now. I come home on Friday and until then? I’m going to eat Jack in the Box tacos every fucking time I feel like it, which includes right now. BRB.
This is why I need your help.
Once I get home I am going to look in my full length mirror, crumble over (er, jiggle over), throw on a pair of fat pants (leggings) and hit up Trader Joe’s (probably to buy queso dip). I’m going to do a serious detox on my body because I literally need to SHOCK it out of what’s been happening over the past several weeks. Otherwise? I’m going to slowly but surely stay in this pattern, except Jack in the Box will be replaced by Del Taco and then I’ll be adding churro sticks to the mix and before you know it I’m crapping out chalupa bread and cinnamon. Ole!
I don’t want this to happen.
I have never done a detox before and I’ve been considering it for quite some time just to see how my body reacts, and this sounds like the best possible time to do it. Before I had excuses like “well I have to work and don’t want to poop out tar at work” and “well, I have all this awesome food in the fridge to eat” and “well, it’s Thursday and I can’t start a detox on a Thursday,” except this time? THIS TIME I am going to do it. I figure there is no better time than when I get back from a 2 month “vacation” (except it wasn’t a vacation at all) and need to snap back to reality.
What I am asking for from you is any detox information you may have. Have you done one before? Have you achieved amazing results? It’s not even that I want to lose 20 pounds in a week, it’s that I want to apologize to my body for what I’ve done to it and nurse it back to health. I’d prefer a one or two week detox, preferably with fruit, and one that isn’t going to cost me a grand. I also don’t really want to drink cayenne pepper. I’d like to drink some tea. I’d like to stay healthy and chemical-free. I don’t want my skin to turn weird colors and I don’t want to start seeing baby manatees in some sort of weird hallucination.
If you’ve got any goods, holler. I don’t want to have to research all this myself.