On one hand I have a positive and refreshing attitude about this whole “new start” I have been given. The world is my oyster and I can do what I want. Seriously! On the other hand, I remember the disgusting taste of oysters and I think about how I’d rather be on Strange Addictions battling the urge to eat paper towel because at least my mind would be on something that doesn’t involve heartbreak, shitty people and infinite sadness.
It’s not that bad. Things could be way worse. Despite the fact that my hair is shedding in obscene amounts and my face looks like I made out with a wasp’s nest, I’m not dying and neither is anyone of importance to me. Quit being dramatic! God you’re annoying. Take your vitamins.
And then there is me and my attitude right now. Like literally right now. Not now as in “this time in my life,” but now as in “the exact moment I decided to write this blog post while I lay in bed drinking cheap wine and wearing a ‘pizza: the edible pie chart’ t-shirt.” Right now I’m getting out the paper towel, making myself a dang quesadilla and pouring a glass of wine for MYSELF because it’s pity party o’clock and I don’t care if nobody comes.
I’M ALLOWED and I’ll be over it soon enough. I’ll probably be over it in 3 hours. I don’t know why I feel like I need all this grown up grace in order to handle things. To be more adult? Who knows, and who cares. Right now I feel like balls because I don’t know what to do with myself since the awesome groove I had going was ripped to shreds and now I have no plan.
It’s not like I’m asking for a Franklin Covey with the rest of my life written out for me in purple Sharpie. All I want is a bit of structure that feels as if it’s leading me to where I want and need to be. HOPE. Wanting this piece of structure isn’t going to turn me into the person I never wanted to be. I’m not going to start craving a white picket fence, reading Cosmo or talking about how I have all these “trust issues” and I’m so “guarded and protective of myself and my feelings,” so I shouldn’t be afraid to admit that I just want a little direction.
I’m not going to use my current setbacks as excuses for my behavior in the future because they’re really nothing more than arbitrary things that happened that made me feel like shit for a few weeks. In 5 years you’re not going to see me on a date going “well, when I was 16 my parents got divorced and that made me sad so I basically hate everyone including you.
When I was 24 I lost my seemingly perfect boyfriend and alright job within a week which I actually handled really well because I wanted to act like a grown up but it’s still tearing me up deep down inside which is why I will completely sabotage whatever it is we may have going here. You don’t like oysters, do you?” I’ll forget about it all soon enough and everything will be fine again. I just don’t know how to deal with this weird in-between state of “what the fuck is going on, guys?”
Or maybe it will, but either way, I’ll still function and maybe realize that I’m human and not as invincible to life’s curveballs as I thought. Worse things will happen and I will still live and get up and move on and make new plans.