1. Drink more water. I have a lot of issues that stem from my inability to regularly consume nature’s most abundant resource that is readily available to my privileged first-world self whenever I want it. Quarterly migraines, occasional UTIs, and an inhumane lack of energy and case of lethargy are just some of the problems caused by my constant dehydration.
Wait, where are you going?
The good news is that Josh got one of those fancy new reusable cups with a straw for Christmas and it’s somehow turned into my cup that never leaves my hand, so I’m telling myself that I can’t drink any wine in the evening unless I drink at least 3 of this thing full of water. 4 if I work out. That’s like 60+ ounces and my body is not used to it, but I am hoping this helps cut down on my Excedrin consumption. I know you’re probably wanting to scream at me because I should obviously cut the wine too, but it’s red wine and only a couple glasses a week and I really don’t want to take my chances with oxidants. I also don’t know why I am feeling so defensive right now.
2. Find a grown up deodorant. I’ve been using a deodorant that has pink glitter on the tube and smells like what I can only describe as a Lisa Frank trapper keeper*. Today Josh sat down next to me on the couch and I put my arm around him. I was wearing a tank top and I saw him look down a little weird, so I scoped out the situation and realized a tiny ball of deodorant plopped right onto his shoulder. Please, help me. I need a big girl deodorant that doesn’t destroy my dark shirts or plop onto my boyfriend’s shoulder. I actually tried making my own crunchy all-natural deodorant over the summer with corn starch, baking soda, and coconut oil, but all it did was leave me with a rash that looked like ringworm. I need to know what women who wear sensible skirts and get regular haircuts wear on their underarms.
* The only reason I’m wearing this is because it came in my sister’s Christmas stocking and she never showed up so my stepmom was like “here, take this” and I decided to give it a shot since it smelled interesting and said it would last through even the craziest teen dance parties, so maybe it would work better than the other shitty stuff I’ve been using. After my experience, I don’t think it could hang.
3. Pay my taxes on time. Dramatic sigh.