Rice Pudding Diaries

I shouldn’t even be telling this story to anyone.

So I’ve been eating rice for dinner a lot because I discovered how awesome a rice maker is (seriously, you add water and rice and it does EVERYTHING) and I just add a bunch of veggies and sriracha to it and it’s the perfect meal. I’m on work overload so I’m diggin’ how this thing makes everything way easier. You can even dump ingredients right into it if you want, well at least I think you can.

Yesterday made me never want to eat rice again. I had the urge to bake something, particularly 3 milk cake except I only have 2 kinds of milk (soy and almond, the only kinds of milk NOT used in a 3 milk cake) so that was out of the question. I thought about pudding, then I was like shut UP, rice pudding! Duh! Genius! I found an easy recipe online and figured soy milk would be a fine substitution for regular milk, so I put it all in the saucer and let it cook for 15 minutes like it said to do.

It boiled over into the flame of my gas stove like 3 times and my whole kitchen smelled like burnt sugar. Little cigarette puffs were coming off the sides of the saucer because there is also rice burning at the bottom. COOL. So basically I have to scrape AND dig to keep my rice pudding from burning, evaporating and boiling over. This is when I realized any person of authority who would have been watching this would have probably taken away my right to vote. At least I can parallel park.

By minute 15 it’s supposed to be getting “thick and creamy” but it’s not, it’s just turning into really hot milk with sugar and rice, so I figure it needs some dairy to balance out. You know, some cow’s fat to get things moving. Butter, right? Butter is good for almost anything, except for rice pudding. That was like putting butter into soup. I decided to go along with the rest of the recipe before my concoction just like, evaporated, so I added an egg, the rest of the milk and some vanilla extract.

This turned it into an even runnier rice mixture, but with scrambled eggs in there, too. I kept on cooking until I realized nothing was going to happen and all I was doing was making rice baby food that a baby wouldn’t even eat. So I put it in a bowl and was like, well, maybe the fridge will make it more like pudding. Then I remembered how I unintentionally made ice cream out of a smoothie the other day so I was like what! RICE CREAM!

I placed it in the freezer and came back about 30 minutes later to a gooey mold that was the consistency of the egg solution they use on McMuffins. There was no way this was going to actually get hard, that’s what she said, and if it did, it would still be a frozen mixture of rice, soy milk, sugar and scrambled eggs. I wouldn’t feed that to a dying baby deer.

I was pretty excited to blog about my rice cream, like I was actually picturing a frozen treat with fun sugary flavors and rice in it. I’m sure some Asian lady has already come up with this and there is a recipe that actually makes sense. Moral of the blog: you can’t turn dog shit into rice cream.

Fucked anything up lately?

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About the Author: Becky