So you wanna hear some shit? I’ve been wanting to sit down here and actually write but I was like “man, I’m busy and can’t put my blog before really important things.” Then I was like “yea, except I could be saying that to myself for the rest of my life, oh and also your blog IS important, lady.” I mean really, it’s not like “being busy/overwhelmed” really goes away when you’re doing exactly what you want to do and you’re about to pile twice as much right on top of your current load. That’s what she said?
When I was little I hated change. Haaaaated it. I was afraid of everything, but mostly E.T., clowns, gremlins and getting assigned a new seat on the school bus. The teacher would tell us our new seats and I’d sit there freaking out thinking “who am I going to sit next to? What if I can’t find my seat? Are the even numbers on the left or the right?” I’d sit there freaking out and couldn’t understand why things couldn’t just stay the same.
Like, why does everything have to get all cozy how I want it and then some hag has to go and give me a new bus seat? Ugh. Don’t even get me started on the thoughts in my head when I changed schools. Oh, and the time I threw up in my mouth then swallowed it on my way into high school for the first time because I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find the band room which meant I’d be tardy and get in trouble. (Seriously, as if kids in band actually get in trouble.)
I loved feeling comfortably secure back then because any amount of uncertainty made me worry I’d mess up or look silly or disappoint someone. Did I listen right the first time? Am I going to follow all the rules? Who knows, and quite honestly, who cares?
My point is that now I crave change a lot, something I wouldn’t have believed even just 5 years ago when I was a sophomore in college. I started going through the process of changing my major from journalism to psychology because journalism was so broad and gave me too many options, and I just wanted a career path and job that would be there for me and allow me to do something productive and pay the bills, without having to create too much of my own structure in regards to what I did each day.
That’s all weird because at the same time I never pictured myself doing what everyone “expected” of high school or college grads, as in “get a 9-5 job, get married, have kids, go to your 10 year reunion and swap stories and photos.” I always told myself I’d do things differently, which is great because in many ways I feel like I am and I enjoy it.
However, the idea of being in control of so many decisions terrified me, which like, totally blows my mind now. I never even realized how much control the choices I’ve made have given me until they started working in my favor. Maybe it’s not so bad to take some of it rather than pushing it away because it looks too scary.
I have no idea why I thought becoming a psychologist would give me any sort of comfort, but then as I was completing a journalism course I received a letter from the department stating the requirements and curriculum were changing and I would need a hell of a lot less classes in order to graduate, so I decided to stick with journalism because I was already through half of it and still needed less math than psychology would. Plus, I have a bartending license and that’s pretty much the same as psychology. You listen to people’s problems and give them things to make them feel better. And you probably make more money.
Anyway, being overwhelmed and enjoying change are in the same blog post because I realized with me, they cause each other. I like change because I hate being bored and when I get bored I think of new projects and when I am starting or finishing something I usually get overwhelmed because that’s what happens when you are going through new things and have terrible time management skills.
The fact that just a few years ago I didn’t want to feel the way that I feel now is baffling. I only wanted one direction to go. That would have sucked sooooo hard. If I had the chance to see what I’m doing now even just 5 years ago, I’d have ordered a lifetime supply of Xanax because this literally sounded undoable and out of the question. I’m glad I can handle it. T
he best part is that when all of it, whether scary or overwhelming or what, is something you really enjoy because finally you’re a grown up and you can control how most of it goes down, so even though you’re tired and overwhelmed and just want to go to bed you keep on moving because life is awesome and you made it that way. Good job, you.