this is the re-mix!!! *spins dope records on those spinny things*

i re-capped 2017 in my book* because, well, why the fuck not, amirite? no, but seriously, i wanted to kind of get a feel for the whole “shootin’ match.” (i’ve been watching too much anne burrell at lunch, clearly. goddamn lunch time television, is that all you have to offer??? assholes.) i thought i’d share it with you because i love re-caps for sures and good news, i hardly blogged at all this year, so most of this will be new to you! anywho, here’s 2017 on your face.

*it’s not a diary. it’s a book of magical wonder.


january began with us coming back from an island vacation. it was pretty delicious and fun. my dad’s mother becomes furiously angry with us for going without her even though she had decided she couldn’t come due to health problems, etc, etc. my grandmother then proceeded to yell at my mother who was trying to show her pictures and tell her about the trip. not so great. we had to pretend like the trip never happened. it was the trip that must not be named. basically, we went to albania.

february was mostly wedding planning because, hey, i got married the next month and i hadn’t planned it hardly at all. nor did i have a dress. this is mostly because i’m awesome at being prepared because i was a boyscout when i was a boy which was never in case you hadn’t noticed. bazzzzzzing! this is also the second year we’ve been without my aunt mary on her birthday. it was mostly a nice february.
in march i got married on the 26th!!!! the beginning was so very stressful but it all worked out in the end because, obviously my name is now different.

april was the month of work clusterfuckage. two employees quit one right after the other. that’s my entire staff, people. it super really sucked a whole bunch and i was a crazy person more so than usual. i even made a cartoon about it.

may was chuck’s birthday month! that’s all i remember because of work. i compartmentalize so i can think about work, work, work and then flip the home switch when i leave.
we swam a lot during june. it was the balls. pants the wonder dog was in pool heaven. it was still horrible at work but made less so by poolside drinks which makes everything better.
in july we went to north carolina for a chuckal family reunion. there were 30+ people packed into a 15 person house. you do the math. the answer is seven and it ain’t pretty. it was overwhelming and sort of fun. i got to swim in the ocean and did not get to see any of the males in chuck’s family’s nipples because they all wore swimming shirts to swim in. then we cam home and swam in the pool with pants the wonder dog.

august was, ummmmm, still swimming. my grandmother headed up to montana for her yearly summer trip. we started planning a ski trip during xmas for montana as well. since last year went so poorly, i wanted to include her as much as possible.
we all know what september consisted of, becky’s birthday month! no more swimming. wamp, waaaaaamp. chuck got me a waterproof camera for swimming pictures next year. BOOYEAH! at the end of the month, the dog i found for my brother escaped and died while visiting montana just a few months after finding a home with them.
in october my grandmother became ill with the flu and is admitted into the hospital in montana. she then needed to be medically transported back to texas and went into a re-hab facility because she was very weak. she became really scared we would to forget about her despite the fact that somebody from the family visited her most of the day starting with my dad at 6am and until she fell asleep.

november the saga continued and by thanksgiving, she was back in the hospital. i cooked thanksgiving dinner so she could eat something good in the hospital. it was the only thing she ate for days. my mom and dad ended up not doing anything for thanksgiving and the only time we saw each other was at the hospital. chuck and i forced my mom to hang out at the house for one afternoon after thanksgiving. my dad kept himself really busy at all times. we had some foundation shaking conversations. he felt powerless to help her when he couldn’t fix everything. he kept saying, “i don’t know what to do!” i tried to re-assure him that he was already doing everything to be done.
during her stay in the hospital, she would go in and out of awareness. up until this time, she had been very with it and able to make decisions and have conversations. she went downhill very quickly and became painful and dysphoric towards the end. it was very scary to be with her during this time because she could not get comfortable. i truly don’t understand the care she was given in the hospital and the reasons why she wasn’t made more comfortable. she was clearly having a reaction to morphine and needed to be switched and sedated during the switch.
on december first, my grandmother died. it came as a huge shock. she had been in and out of hospitals for years, she always bounced back. the doctors had not been very forthcoming with a clear prognosis. she was 88 years old, so i understand that there comes a time when there are too many things to take into account but they were very vague and let us draw our own incorrect conclusions. i’m disappointed with this, it gave us no time to prepare or come to terms with what was happening. she had requested for years that she wanted to die at home, so we transferred her to the house on that day. my dad had to spend that entire day trying to get a DNR order since she had never wanted one in the past (a whole ‘nother story). they thought she might die on the ride home and would have had to been resuscitated if she hadn’t been DNR. she died within 20 minutes of getting home. i didn’t make it over there. my brother just barely made it to texas in time and only got to see her for the twenty minutes she was at home.
when i arrived, i spotted my dad inside the house (my grandmother’s house is on their property, but up a hill). i went inside to tell him how sorry i was. i had to track him down in his bedroom because i think he was trying to hide. i really wanted to console him in some way but he wouldn’t take the offered hug. i could tell he had been crying. he said, “bec, no. i- no. thanks, but no.” i felt proud that i tried but my heart hurts for his self-imposed isolation. i don’t know what else i could have done. later, i talked with my brother who said he had tried to hug my dad at his wedding and it had gone poorly. that made me smile but also makes me sad. i try not to make assumptions with my dad, even based on past events, i don’t know how close he was to saying yes, so i guess i’ll keep trying. i had xmas week off because we were all supposed to go skiing with my grandma in montana. it was a weird week. it was a weird month. it was full and empty at the same time.
january 6nd, 2018: i am at work with one of my favorite cats on my lap. i am ready for more life.

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