I cant always be the funny, witty, silly J. Sometimes I have to get real. And share my feelings. Bear with me.
Have ya’ll heard that song “Back to December” by Taylor Swift? I know shes talking about Taylor Lautner but for me when I hear this song I think about my ex-bestie.
We were CLOSE. I mean so stinkin close. I knew her family and called her parents my second set of mom and dad. She was super close with my mom.
We were the type of best friends that could call eachother at 1 am and know the other would be up waiting for the call. We were inseperable. We lived 75 miles apart for about a year while we went to different schools, but saw eachother several times a week and every weekend. She was more than a bestie. She was like my second sister.
I trusted her with everything. We both went through a LOT at the same time. I got out of an abusive relationship and she had a lot of issues with two past boyfriends. We were there for eachother. I remember nights cuddled on her bed in her dorm room, crying while eating popcorn or some other kind of junk food. I remember parties where we would sit in her car and laugh until we cried while our friends were inside. I remember random trips to Walmart and almost getting kicked out from laughing and being so obnoxiously loud. I remember random dance parties wherever we were. I remember sleep overs that turned into all night gab sessions. I remember talking on the phone for HOURS inbetween classes and driving to see each other.
I remember getting serious with a boy right after I got out of my bad relationship. I remember her telling me that I needed to take it slow. I didnt listen and got my heart broken again. She was there for me. And when she broke the boys heart she loved so much, I was there while she cried and cried. We went through a lot.
And then I changed schools. Not completely to be near her, but Id be lieing if I said it didnt have something to do with it. We were supposed to be roommates but it ended up falling through due to another roommate. She ended up getting an apartment with her boyfriend. I was actually ok with that. We could be close but not so close we got on eachothers nerves.
Then she introduced me to T. And T and I, we fell in love and we fell in love fast. She couldnt really handle it. I was so happy, and her relationship was falling apart. I moved in with T, since he lived with a bunch of his friends and was looking to get his own place. Our apartment was small, but lord we loved it so much.
Yes, I moved in with a guy, unwed. My mother is still trying to swallow that one. Needless to say, I ended up preggers with B about 5 months later.
I think I touched on this in a previous post, so Im not going to go into much detail. We werent expecting it, what so ever. After swallowing the fact that we were pregnant, we were actually pretty excited. Sure, it was not in the plans, but hey–God does not give you more than you can handle. That I am SURE of.
Anyhow, when I got pregnant, she turned on me. She was going behind my back telling our co-workers I was “faking” my pregnancy (seriously?!?), and that I kept using it as an excuse to get what I wanted. Im sorry, but I dont know many 20 year olds who WANT to get pregnant. I was young, and wanted to stay that way. I didnt plan on growing up so fast. I did, and Im glad I did, because in the end I got B (and later on Babe C). I wouldnt trade him for the WORLD.
However, when I heard she was saying these things, I confronted her. Things got pretty heated and we said some things out of anger. Some pretty harsh things.
In the end, I honestly feel like it started out because of jealousy. I was in a great relationship while hers was failing miserably. I probably should have been more understanding and been there for her more. But at that point, I was selfish. I was young and felt like she needed to be there for ME, not the other way around.
If I could take it all back I would. Except for B and T, Id like to keep them, thank you! And obviously C.
I miss my friend. I often think about calling her and trying to mend our friendship. I think sometimes its to late, but then other times I think about the fact that she was there for me. And to this day, there are only a handful of people who I can trust with my life–and she would still be one of them. She just gets me, you know? In that I-know-your-crazy-but-I-love-you-anyway kinda way.
Im worried it wouldnt work out, and that things would go bad again. We would yell and scream at eachother all over again. Because let me tell you, where things left off, they were pretty bad. It wasnt just her and it wasnt just me, it was a combination of both of us.
However, if things worked out–it would be amazing. I always pictured her in my wedding. She wasn’t. I always pictured her at the birth of my babies, cheering along right beside my mom and sister. She wasn’t. She wasn’t there. And I hate that. She’s missed so much. It just stinks!
Thats not to say I dont have an AMAZING best friend. Monica has been there for me through all of this stuff and more. She WAS in my wedding. She WAS at the birth of my first born (she was in Montana when I had C, but she was with me in spirit). When we had to move out of our first house within a week, she showed up to help me. Shes been my rock for so long.
But sometimes, I wonder what if.
What if my ex-bestie and I hadn’t had that fight? Would we still be close? Would she have been there for all those things?
In life, sometimes you learn lessons the hard way. And sometimes, you learn them to late.
Im sorry. I miss you. I love you. I think about you a lot.
Do any of you have a best friend you lost? How do you handle it and do you think of calling them sometimes?
This post was from a writing prompt over at mamakatslosinit.com
Happy Thursday, ya’ll.
P.S. Tomorrow Ill return with the usual witty posts. 🙂