Twenty five.

Today I am 25 years old and I find it awesome that I am only halfway through my 20s. I use the word awesome too much. If you see me use the word killer, it’s because I wanted to put awesome but realized I needed to find a different word. I need to find a different substitute word as well.

I started hula hooping in March and it’s changed my life in a lot of ways. I think that guy who is an “adult baby” is the smartest man in the world, and anyone who hates on him is a boring old cubicle monkey with a depressingly mediocre life. I have a bartending license/certification but have yet to use it.

I got 3 tattoos before the age of 19 that all look like they were done by epileptic meth-heads. I have plans for several more that will not be done by epileptic meth-heads. I almost always have my nails painted, and if I don’t it means I’m sad. I think marriage contracts should be done on a five-year plan, with a renewal or “get out now” option every 5 years. I will never wear diamonds or have a wedding and have been called selfish for that.

I swoon over older men, particularly John Travolta and Tim Allen. I am a culinary masochist and love food that makes me sweat, even though it’s ruined most non-spicy foods for me. I can’t drink artificially flavored alcoholic beverages. I’m in denial about the calories in beer.

I love when people blog pictures of their kids and put them on Facebook. I’ll swoon over pictures of your dog. I would let my mom take my child (if I had one) on vacation with her, but I have refused her permission to take my camera with her on vacation. I think camping is terrible and there is no need to do it unless you’re, like, stranded and dying. I never loved nature until I got a fancy camera. I could take an entire vacation that involved staying in a hotel that had wifi and room service.

I don’t trust people who think coffee is disgusting. I wear leggings as pants constantly. I think the world would contain much nicer people if everyone did (or at least tried without automatically dismissing) yoga and watched every episode of “The IT Crowd.” I openly despise religion.

My favorite news story involves Dick Van Dyke getting rescued by a group of porpoises. When I was 17 I went to 3 days of training for a sales position at a vacuum company just to see if it could really suck a wad of gunk out of a mattress (it can). I’ve yelled at teenagers in public for calling each other retarded. I got in a fight with a girl in high school and she told me I could be an albino porn star when I grow up because I’m so pale. I took it as a compliment because I think pale looks good.

I can find a natural alternative to almost any chemical product. I have been using anti-wrinkle cream since I was a teen. I will snuggle you like a hurricane. If southeast Michigan had reasonable public transportation I would happily never own a car again. I love cars.

I’d buy an iPhone if there was an app for looking cool while frantically looking for your car in a parking lot. I take pride in the fact that I’m the friend that will pig out on greasy, sloppy food and beer and not make you feel like shit about it. I often judge people based on their food choices and think eating a steak regularly is just as bad as smoking. I used to eat pop tarts and cheez-its for breakfast every day. The only person that annoys me more than a grown up that will not eat vegetables is the person who pulls up to a drive-thru window without knowing what they want.

I think Tyler Durden is the most inspiring fictional character of all time. I think Tupac Shakur is one of the most inspiring non-fictional characters of all time. I think gangsta rap is some of the most genius and artistically profound music of all time. I am offended by new country music but love old bluegrass.

I am already bored with the “photo a day for a year” thing I started. I’ll probably just post photos when I feel like it. I wish I got bored with things and people less easily. I am still a work in progress. I think 25 will be a good year.

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About the Author: Becky