So last night I was sitting in bed eating a tuna melt and watching The Bachelor because I’m unemployed and single and have thrown away any priorities I once had going for myself when I realized I am completely and utterly undateable to like 90% of guys. First of all because I just admitted to sitting in bed eating a tuna melt while watching The Bachelor, but also because in one single episode he took a woman scuba diving, then took another woman on some sort of window-washing trip down a building where they had a romantic dinner at the bottom and then he was all “oh they’re just such great girls, I’m having such a hard time, these women are so great and awesome and we’re all so adventurous.”

That’s great and all except I have no desire to ever do those things. I mean, I get the whole “oh I need someone with a sense of adVENture and FUN” and all, and sure, you could call me adventurous if you really want because I like sitting on top of a nice building in the summer with a vodka tonic while I kick off my shoes and stare at the city, but watching this go down on TV reminds me of online dating and all the “I love camping” and “I love the outdoors” and “I love skydiving and need a girl with a wild sense of adventure!!” and it makes me want to throw up. It’s like everyone who dates has to have explosive adrenaline and be cool with not showering for 4 days. Sorry, I like eyeliner and shaving my legs.

I just want someone who will snuggle and watch The IT Crowd with me. Seriously, that’s practically it. I mean you also have to like big cities, make me laugh and have something going for yourself, but I don’t care if you camp or hike or what. Just love me and let’s skip the bungee jumping. THIS IS WHY I DO YOGA. I like being in tune with gravity and I don’t want to have to mess with that for the sake of finding a decent guy. Why must they all want to be running through forests and eating trail mix all the time?

I still watched the entire episode, though.

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About the Author: Becky