Wedding Stuff

I’ve been wanting to write a blog post about my new kittens and also one about what it’s like to work in an office after 4 years of working from home, but I just woke up and remembered I’m going to a bridal expo with my Mom this afternoon (more on that later) so I thought I’d share some thoughts I’ve had during this whole wedding planning process that we haven’t even started.

1. Whenever I talk to couples who had a wedding, one of the first things they do is talk about the things they regret about it. They tell you about the things they did to make other people happy or about how they didn’t even taste the food because they were “sooooo busy” or that they were sick the whole next day because they didn’t even get the chance to take a shit. That sounds like my actual worst nightmare, so Josh and I decided we’re going to rent a beach house on Lake Michigan for a weekend, invite people we actually like, and tell them that if they want to be there and party with us while we get dressed up and make shit legal, they’re more than welcome to come out. We will provide a taco bar and sweet ’90s jams. The house I’m eyeballing sleeps like 20 people, so some of our favorites could camp out for the weekend with us. It sounds perfect to me.

2. I could go buy a white Hanes sweatsuit and cut it into something drapey and it would probably look more classy than half the overpriced albino peacock looking dresses sold at commercial dress stores. I haven’t gone in an actual store to try things on yet, I’ve only looked online for ideas, and here are a few magnificent dresses I’ve found on Etsy that may find their way to hugging my buns. Three of them are pretty cheap, so maybe I’ll buy them all and do a wardrobe change every hour as if I’m J-Lo or something.

3. I’m sure Josh will pick out his own wedding band, but I’m in love with these dinosaur bone and meteorite rings from Jewelry by Johan. If I get to choose the ring he wears, it will probably be one of these because I want my man bound to me through SPACE PARTICLES.

4. Everyone keeps reminding me/us that this is our day to do whatever we want and that we do not have to take advice from anyone, ever, which makes me want to have a cross-dressing code SO GODDAMN BAD. There’s no better way to keep your religious family away like telling them they have to dress like Eddie Izzard.

5. Speaking of our ability to do whatever we want, we both settled on a “21 and up” rule pretty quickly. The backlash of this terrifies the absolute shit out of me because REAL LIFE MOMMYBLOGGERS, YOU GUYS, but then I remembered I don’t have to sugarcoat it and tell them it’s because of alcohol or headcounts or fire codes. I can tell them I don’t want their kids spilling nacho cheese on my sweatsuit and that’s that. Plus, does anyone under 12 appreciate ’90s music? I don’t think so. Kindly see yourself to the door.

6. My Mom is bringing me to a bridal expo which sounds like my other actual worst nightmare, but one of my coworkers said she went to one a few years ago and won a 5-day all-inclusive resort honeymoon, an ice sculpture, a 100 million dollar veil (my eBay DREAM), and a pair of doves to release during her ceremony. SHE WON A BOX OF BIRDS. I never win anything but I’ve never wanted to win anything more than a box of birds. That’s one fascinating conversation starter.

7. Whenever I go shopping now, the person I’m with is always like “oh you can add that to your registry for your shower!” I used to have to spend Christmas Eve sitting in a circle with people I barely knew opening presents one at a time, and every time it came to me it was like middle school when the teacher called on me to read and I realized I was on the wrong page because I was daydreaming about Justin Timberlake. The sheer panic of opening a Starbucks gift card in front of step-family is enough to send me into a week’s worth of constipation, much less the thought of opening quesadilla makers and lingerie in front of Grandma. I don’t know about this shower business, although I do like tiny sandwiches and coffee.

8. Then I think about all the things I want that I’d never buy for myself and suddenly a registry sounds awesome. Like, this is the one time in my life where I can ask for a $400 gravy boat or a $375 monogrammed “his and hers” thermos set and keep a straight face while doing it because we’re getting married. I’m not saying I’m going to do that, but I’m not not saying that, either.

10. Can I get my kittens ordained?

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About the Author: Becky