would you like to donate $1 to help legless, orphaned albino elephants in ethiopia?

“no, i wouldn’t!” i always reply with a smile. my smile only falters when the uppity, self-righteous checkout lady gives me the death stare. in those few moments of silence, i can feel the judgement. i can see her taking out her mental list entitled, “people who i would not piss on if they were on fire in the street,” alternate title, “people to kill later,” alternate title, “people who i will never ‘forget’ to scan something for,” alternate title, “people who have the STDs, probably.”

regardless, i always say no. it’s one of my policies. it is a righteous crusade i have taken unto myself in the name of righteousness. it is my cross to bear and i bear it with no complaint, except for this whole thing i’m doing now. heh. THOSE GIVE A DOLLAR THINGS MAKE ME INSANE WITH RAGE!

you’re checking out at the grocery store, so what, you might buy a slab of $10 cheese, who gives a doodle, there might be a bottle of fancy blackberry jam in there with the fancy ribbon tied around the top, who cares, that you might have indulged this one time in a special gluten free muffin that might cost 20 bajillion dollars but no, no i will not give one measly dollar to help those GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKING ELEPHANTS! DO YOU HEAR ME???? GODDAMMIT I HATE ELEPHANTS SO MUCH!!!*

here’s the thing, if we take, at face value, that even 30% of that money will help elephants, fine, maybe i’ll consider it but, i don’t believe that any of that money is getting to poor, legless gertrude, i believe she’s slithering around, indignant that little suzie-checks-a-lot, is even suggesting that i, as the turner downer of all check-out donations, am neglecting her care. gertrude, no doubt, has become jaded toward the campaigns held in her name, as have i and has realized that the supermarket conspiracy is trying to pull the wool over our eyes but lucky for me i have an anti-wool clause in my spy code that makes it nearly impossible to pull any wool-like substance over my eyes. try me.

you failed, as i knew you would. i win again, wool! ahahahahahahahahaha… we’re old pals, wool and i, he makes me itchy, i burn him alive in my fiery, fire of righteousness, but i do like sheep, go figure. it’s a crazy, mixed up world we live in, amiright?**

here’s the other thing, i help animals. i help animals two four seven, three six five, motherfucker. there’s no need to ask me to pay a dollar to help gertrude, i’ve already changed her diaper this morning. twice.*** so, before you go looking at me like i’m a heartless asshole, think about what you’ve actually done. have you just given people looks? yeah, that ain’t no shit. do something. this also goes for those little girls collecting money for tiny tobacco addicted orphans and don’t even get me started on animal rescues that are funding heart surgeries on chameleons or the outlawing of all pet animals. don’t. fucking. do it.

*i don’t really hate elephants. that was an example of transferred aggression (from those thieving supermarkets to poor, legless gertrude) (gertrude and i have never been stronger) (no, really, we’re renewing our vows next winter) (it’s going to be glorious).
**i’m always right.
***i’ve never changed an elephants diaper but don’t think i wouldn’t do it. i don’t live in ethiopia, that’s the first problem.

as an aside, i’ve done a header for j-town over at the yellow factor. you should check it out because it’s sure to amaze you. it might also make you nauseous but that’s still pretty amazing, right? warning: image may contain brief amounts of beardface, rainbows and mild violence. view discretion is advised.

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